January 23, 2021 DAY FORTY-NINE SATURDAY
January 22, 2021 DAY FORTY-EIGHT FRIDAY
The headache I had for 10 days has finally left the building.
It's amazing how tooth pain hurts so much.
I got my tooth filled permanently and it might be ok. I still have an infection in my jaw from a year ago and I should get that checked out, but I won't .... because of the pain it will undoubtedly cause me.
My dentist's office is so awesome.
I've never really had a dentist that I feel comfortable with.
And so cool about no masks.
The silent majority is HUGE. Meaning, the smart people, who have read the actual constitution.
There's big money law suits, right now! If it's against your rights, it's unlawful. No law, no mandate can stop you from being free.... That's why we are America.
And knowing there are so many more people waking up.
We are coming together, but too slow.
We have to get angry together.
Something will have to happen or someone will happen, to bring us all together.
That one thing.
I've been trying to figure it out.
The shot heard around the world.... what is that?
Is that what will bring us together?
I can't wait for that world. No problems, no pain, more happy, less sad. God didn't create us to be sick and miserable and poor all the time. He made us because we are beautiful. He gave us so many things that are beautiful. He gave us beautiful healthy things to keep our bodies uncluttered and happy.
But he also gave us the choice to say no to evil and to things that would harm us.
There were so many people who said yes to evil, the easy way out, that we are losing humanity.
But it always happens that Good is always Right and will win in the end.
In order for evil to be gone.... it has to be gone everywhere. All over the world. No more cartels/mobs/deep state/cabal.
No more chemicals/poisons/manipulations/brain washing.
We will truly, once again, be the UNITED States.
And love one another.
So instead of being afraid of people who don't wear masks because of their inability to take on facts, you need to think about standing up against the people who are brainwashed sheep.
Countries all over the world are standing up about the masks.
Some countries and states don't have mask problems at all.
You can't make a mandate or make a law against our inalienable rights. Telling me I am required to wear a mask????
Think again.
Law Suit
Big Money
Easy Money
The headache I had for 10 days has finally left the building.
It's amazing how tooth pain hurts so much.
I got my tooth filled permanently and it might be ok. I still have an infection in my jaw from a year ago and I should get that checked out, but I won't .... because of the pain it will undoubtedly cause me.
My dentist's office is so awesome.
I've never really had a dentist that I feel comfortable with.
And so cool about no masks.
The silent majority is HUGE. Meaning, the smart people, who have read the actual constitution.
There's big money law suits, right now! If it's against your rights, it's unlawful. No law, no mandate can stop you from being free.... That's why we are America.
And knowing there are so many more people waking up.
We are coming together, but too slow.
We have to get angry together.
Something will have to happen or someone will happen, to bring us all together.
That one thing.
I've been trying to figure it out.
The shot heard around the world.... what is that?
Is that what will bring us together?
I can't wait for that world. No problems, no pain, more happy, less sad. God didn't create us to be sick and miserable and poor all the time. He made us because we are beautiful. He gave us so many things that are beautiful. He gave us beautiful healthy things to keep our bodies uncluttered and happy.
But he also gave us the choice to say no to evil and to things that would harm us.
There were so many people who said yes to evil, the easy way out, that we are losing humanity.
But it always happens that Good is always Right and will win in the end.
In order for evil to be gone.... it has to be gone everywhere. All over the world. No more cartels/mobs/deep state/cabal.
No more chemicals/poisons/manipulations/brain washing.
We will truly, once again, be the UNITED States.
And love one another.
So instead of being afraid of people who don't wear masks because of their inability to take on facts, you need to think about standing up against the people who are brainwashed sheep.
Countries all over the world are standing up about the masks.
Some countries and states don't have mask problems at all.
You can't make a mandate or make a law against our inalienable rights. Telling me I am required to wear a mask????
Think again.
Law Suit
Big Money
Easy Money
January 21, 2021 DAY FORTY-SEVEN THURSDAY
I've had a headache lately. Tooth ache from my root canal last year, almost exactly to the day.
It was a problem tooth anyways, but they want to put a crown on it, and my dentist only put a temporary fill in it. Then covidfakebs hit.
A year later, I think it's coming out or gone.
I hate the dentist. I love the dentist per say, but hate THE dentist.
I will call at the last possible moment.
My last dentist appt was traumatic and the last one and the last one.... ugghhhhh
ALWAYS PAINFUL!
When I was little, they would shoot novacaine in me and it would still hurt me and I never told the dentist it still hurt. I never knew it wasn't supposed to hurt. So yeah, no matter what I go in for, it hurts.
So I try to never go.
My teeth have always been so bad.
I'm not a sweet eater.
But when the teeth develop, mother's have to get enough calcium and vitamins. As with all your organs. That's why it's very crucial for mothers to always be healthy when pregnant. Thanks, mom!! LOL
I ate a banana every single day when I was pregnant with #1. Bananas are brain food. SHE IS SO SMART!! Way above grade average, college, etc.
To this day banana's are not my favorite thing because of the above experiment.
#2 did not get the same treatment. I tried to eat one everyday, but I didn't. I couldn't.
She is smart but in different, creative ways, hairstylist, planning parties, etc.
#3 had banana's every day. Very smart also! IB student, college, etc
Is it a coincidence 2 out of 3 had banana's AND college?
I used to always experiment on my kids. It was only normal since I psychologically experimented with adults my entire life.
Watching human nature and manipulating your own reactions to watch humans in manipulated nature, is fun.
I also read the birth order book.
It tells you how each individual in your life has a birth order in their family.
#1 child acts different than #2 and #3 is completely different from either of those.
Each birth order number also acts the same.... #1's generally always act like #1's. There are instances where #1's will stray because of the closeness of siblings, divorce, etc., but it is amazing to see those characterizations in people and expect their reactions and know why.
I often ask people their birth order and by how many years, and all the questions. And it helps me understand a person more. It's better to know people in any relationship, even in working relationships.
I like to know why people act the way they do. Then it also helps me because I can relate to them more.
The book helped me with my girls, but more importantly, it helped me with, was my relationship with my mom (C adopted me at 3 days old). C was a mess in many ways. After I psychoanalyzed her with the help of the birth order book (and lots of Dr.Jeremiah and praying) I loved her more. I understood the reasons why she was the way she was.
She was the eldest. The only girl out of 4 kids. That made her very independent and strong and controlling. There are ways to comprehend dysfunction. Her dysfunction made OUR mother/daughter dysfunction and I did not want that kind of dysfunction in my life with my daughters. I was aware of it and I chose not to be like that. I wanted to only be the best of my mom, not the worst. I took those things out of my life by working on them.
I'm sure I made different kinds of dysfunction for my kids because I was working so hard to avoid certain other dysfunctions of my past, but all the things I went through with her, helped me raise my girls when they grew up because when the NORMAL mother/daughter love/hate relationship reared its ugly head with my daughters, I wasn't surprised.
We fought, we argued, but the entire time....... I knew.... they would love me so much one day, their hearts would burst.
And it came true.
They love me SO much.
I've had a headache lately. Tooth ache from my root canal last year, almost exactly to the day.
It was a problem tooth anyways, but they want to put a crown on it, and my dentist only put a temporary fill in it. Then covidfakebs hit.
A year later, I think it's coming out or gone.
I hate the dentist. I love the dentist per say, but hate THE dentist.
I will call at the last possible moment.
My last dentist appt was traumatic and the last one and the last one.... ugghhhhh
ALWAYS PAINFUL!
When I was little, they would shoot novacaine in me and it would still hurt me and I never told the dentist it still hurt. I never knew it wasn't supposed to hurt. So yeah, no matter what I go in for, it hurts.
So I try to never go.
My teeth have always been so bad.
I'm not a sweet eater.
But when the teeth develop, mother's have to get enough calcium and vitamins. As with all your organs. That's why it's very crucial for mothers to always be healthy when pregnant. Thanks, mom!! LOL
I ate a banana every single day when I was pregnant with #1. Bananas are brain food. SHE IS SO SMART!! Way above grade average, college, etc.
To this day banana's are not my favorite thing because of the above experiment.
#2 did not get the same treatment. I tried to eat one everyday, but I didn't. I couldn't.
She is smart but in different, creative ways, hairstylist, planning parties, etc.
#3 had banana's every day. Very smart also! IB student, college, etc
Is it a coincidence 2 out of 3 had banana's AND college?
I used to always experiment on my kids. It was only normal since I psychologically experimented with adults my entire life.
Watching human nature and manipulating your own reactions to watch humans in manipulated nature, is fun.
I also read the birth order book.
It tells you how each individual in your life has a birth order in their family.
#1 child acts different than #2 and #3 is completely different from either of those.
Each birth order number also acts the same.... #1's generally always act like #1's. There are instances where #1's will stray because of the closeness of siblings, divorce, etc., but it is amazing to see those characterizations in people and expect their reactions and know why.
I often ask people their birth order and by how many years, and all the questions. And it helps me understand a person more. It's better to know people in any relationship, even in working relationships.
I like to know why people act the way they do. Then it also helps me because I can relate to them more.
The book helped me with my girls, but more importantly, it helped me with, was my relationship with my mom (C adopted me at 3 days old). C was a mess in many ways. After I psychoanalyzed her with the help of the birth order book (and lots of Dr.Jeremiah and praying) I loved her more. I understood the reasons why she was the way she was.
She was the eldest. The only girl out of 4 kids. That made her very independent and strong and controlling. There are ways to comprehend dysfunction. Her dysfunction made OUR mother/daughter dysfunction and I did not want that kind of dysfunction in my life with my daughters. I was aware of it and I chose not to be like that. I wanted to only be the best of my mom, not the worst. I took those things out of my life by working on them.
I'm sure I made different kinds of dysfunction for my kids because I was working so hard to avoid certain other dysfunctions of my past, but all the things I went through with her, helped me raise my girls when they grew up because when the NORMAL mother/daughter love/hate relationship reared its ugly head with my daughters, I wasn't surprised.
We fought, we argued, but the entire time....... I knew.... they would love me so much one day, their hearts would burst.
And it came true.
They love me SO much.
January 20, 2021 DAY FORTY-SIX WEDNESDAY
It’s Obiden’s inauguration today.
Lots of people are upset.
Lots of people are so excited.
I’m just watching the show.
So many things look so fake. It’s like a movie.
The excited people can’t look ahead to what they actually did. Most of those don’t understand socialism. Most of them don’t understand their taxes take care of other countries and under a socialism regime, it’s worse. I feel sorry for those people. But mostly I’m embarrassed for the people who should be old enough to understand what will happen – blinded by hate and anger; blinded by what MSM says, not smart enough to research what anyone says to them.
The upset “Trump” people are too dumb to fight back. They know we are getting screwed. They know masks are unconstitutional, the lock downs are unconstitutional, but they are too afraid of the liberals.
Liberals are bullies.
All they have is their LOUD voice.
Their hateful, name calling, no facts, no research voice.
No one wants to be yelled at in front of 30 people in a store ---- so everyone obliges and gives in to the Democrat talk.
Stupid --- they are all stupid.
So, I will watch the Obiden fake presidency, knowing what I know. Staying silent until they need me.
We are tearing out a wall and getting a 3 panel sliding door today.
#MyHusband is so excited. I can’t wait to bring the outside inside.
They were almost done and I noticed it’s the wrong door. It does not slide all the way to the right.
Immediately I start stressing out. The owner knew what I wanted. He came by 3 times and heard our stories about how awesome it will look.
I hate fighting for what is right. MY rights. I knew what I wanted and what I ordered. They ordered the wrong thing and I had to confront him.
I was up all night, I couldn’t sleep, trying to find the wise words to say. I prayed for the wise words, knowing there would be a fight.
The next day, (tomorrow IRL) I told #MyHusband how stressed I was. And he said he would call and deal with it. ALL MY LIFE, it’s been me who had to fight and get things set straight, whether it was about my kids, my car, my house, my whatever. It seemed my entire life was about fighting for the right things.
This was a beautiful breathable moment for me. Someone else was going to get it done.
I cannot tell you how relieved I was.
T called him and he knew he ordered the wrong item. It was that simple.
But I am so used to fighting for things. For standing up for what is right.
When I was younger, I hated confrontations. Even though I was in the right. But once I learned how to stand up for myself, it got easier and easier.
I learned to talk it over and over to myself, with wise words.
I learned to pray for GOD to give me the wise words, whether for a letter or setting someone straight.
No one else was there to do it for me, so I expect to fight for everything I want.
But this time, T did it. And that was most amazing. I didn’t have to stress about it, no wise words, no confrontation.
He’s perfect for me.
It’s Obiden’s inauguration today.
Lots of people are upset.
Lots of people are so excited.
I’m just watching the show.
So many things look so fake. It’s like a movie.
The excited people can’t look ahead to what they actually did. Most of those don’t understand socialism. Most of them don’t understand their taxes take care of other countries and under a socialism regime, it’s worse. I feel sorry for those people. But mostly I’m embarrassed for the people who should be old enough to understand what will happen – blinded by hate and anger; blinded by what MSM says, not smart enough to research what anyone says to them.
The upset “Trump” people are too dumb to fight back. They know we are getting screwed. They know masks are unconstitutional, the lock downs are unconstitutional, but they are too afraid of the liberals.
Liberals are bullies.
All they have is their LOUD voice.
Their hateful, name calling, no facts, no research voice.
No one wants to be yelled at in front of 30 people in a store ---- so everyone obliges and gives in to the Democrat talk.
Stupid --- they are all stupid.
So, I will watch the Obiden fake presidency, knowing what I know. Staying silent until they need me.
We are tearing out a wall and getting a 3 panel sliding door today.
#MyHusband is so excited. I can’t wait to bring the outside inside.
They were almost done and I noticed it’s the wrong door. It does not slide all the way to the right.
Immediately I start stressing out. The owner knew what I wanted. He came by 3 times and heard our stories about how awesome it will look.
I hate fighting for what is right. MY rights. I knew what I wanted and what I ordered. They ordered the wrong thing and I had to confront him.
I was up all night, I couldn’t sleep, trying to find the wise words to say. I prayed for the wise words, knowing there would be a fight.
The next day, (tomorrow IRL) I told #MyHusband how stressed I was. And he said he would call and deal with it. ALL MY LIFE, it’s been me who had to fight and get things set straight, whether it was about my kids, my car, my house, my whatever. It seemed my entire life was about fighting for the right things.
This was a beautiful breathable moment for me. Someone else was going to get it done.
I cannot tell you how relieved I was.
T called him and he knew he ordered the wrong item. It was that simple.
But I am so used to fighting for things. For standing up for what is right.
When I was younger, I hated confrontations. Even though I was in the right. But once I learned how to stand up for myself, it got easier and easier.
I learned to talk it over and over to myself, with wise words.
I learned to pray for GOD to give me the wise words, whether for a letter or setting someone straight.
No one else was there to do it for me, so I expect to fight for everything I want.
But this time, T did it. And that was most amazing. I didn’t have to stress about it, no wise words, no confrontation.
He’s perfect for me.
January 19, 2021 DAY FORTY-FIVE TUESDAY
Today in 1993 I started my job at B&W.
I was going in as a receptionist to help things get going and turned out that I stayed for 12 years. I became a very important part of that company and that company gave me more than I ever dreamed of. They didn't pay me a lot, but what I got was love, friendship, control, trust and friendship. It was an all male establishment, which was the perfect no-drama place for me!
The owner, just happened to be S's uncle. I didn't even know that important information, until the night before the interview.
I dyed my hair a horrible bright orange, and called S to help me dye it to a more normal color. When I told her where my interview was, she said "that's my uncle". So weird, and so GOD.
At that time, I didn't have a job for quite a while. I had been on welfare for 9 months. This was the first step in trying to get myself out of a deep hole in life - this interview was so important. I needed a lift to my self-esteem, to get me out of an emotional pit.
This job and I grew up together.
G and B&W, were the best things, in that season of life, to happen to me. My life energy perked up. I was looking for something, searching for my story.
I separated from my ex husband, M, and moved to a condo with the girls. I liked being by myself, but I didn't have a job/money and I was getting food from churches. It was even hard taking C to head start because I had no gas money. I was a mess. I wasn't thinking clearly.
All I did was take care of the girls. I never went out with any friends because I didn't want anyone else taking care of my kids besides Wendi. (part of the reason I wasn't with my husband, THAT was my fault)
Didn't really have any friends with kids. My friends went out all the time and I didn't go, so that equals ---- no friends, basically.
And D was a constant ache in my heart, off and on and off and on and off and on and off.... geesh, I couldn't get over the addiction of him.
I needed GOD desperately. The search was real for HIM too!!! Every Sunday, a different church. But I didn't quit.
B&W was my first find, on my amazing path out of my deep ditch of emotional pain.
There was only one other girl helping me, the rest were men. A sheet metal shop.
The first moment I walked into the shop in the back, I smelled my dad. I couldn't understand why - it took me a while to figure that one out.
My daddy.... his smell...... something I will never forget. Metal shavings. That smell is my daddy because he had worked in a metal shop too! I remember running to the front door, when I was little, jumping up on him for a kiss and a hug, every single day and every day the metal shavings were still on him. He was always dirty and smelling of metal and oil.
What a HUGE coincidence..... but there are so many more coincidences when it comes to this job!!!
G was the owner, R was in the shop quoting and managing, Ro in the back with others, and V, who started the same day I did!!
Everything that had to do with metal, we did it. We designed too.
Computer parts, motorcycle parts, backyard items, keg parts, elevator parts.
I didn't usually stay at jobs for long.
I would fix them, then get bored and leave to fix another company.
This one I stayed at, until family became too important.
Today in 1993 I started my job at B&W.
I was going in as a receptionist to help things get going and turned out that I stayed for 12 years. I became a very important part of that company and that company gave me more than I ever dreamed of. They didn't pay me a lot, but what I got was love, friendship, control, trust and friendship. It was an all male establishment, which was the perfect no-drama place for me!
The owner, just happened to be S's uncle. I didn't even know that important information, until the night before the interview.
I dyed my hair a horrible bright orange, and called S to help me dye it to a more normal color. When I told her where my interview was, she said "that's my uncle". So weird, and so GOD.
At that time, I didn't have a job for quite a while. I had been on welfare for 9 months. This was the first step in trying to get myself out of a deep hole in life - this interview was so important. I needed a lift to my self-esteem, to get me out of an emotional pit.
This job and I grew up together.
G and B&W, were the best things, in that season of life, to happen to me. My life energy perked up. I was looking for something, searching for my story.
I separated from my ex husband, M, and moved to a condo with the girls. I liked being by myself, but I didn't have a job/money and I was getting food from churches. It was even hard taking C to head start because I had no gas money. I was a mess. I wasn't thinking clearly.
All I did was take care of the girls. I never went out with any friends because I didn't want anyone else taking care of my kids besides Wendi. (part of the reason I wasn't with my husband, THAT was my fault)
Didn't really have any friends with kids. My friends went out all the time and I didn't go, so that equals ---- no friends, basically.
And D was a constant ache in my heart, off and on and off and on and off and on and off.... geesh, I couldn't get over the addiction of him.
I needed GOD desperately. The search was real for HIM too!!! Every Sunday, a different church. But I didn't quit.
B&W was my first find, on my amazing path out of my deep ditch of emotional pain.
There was only one other girl helping me, the rest were men. A sheet metal shop.
The first moment I walked into the shop in the back, I smelled my dad. I couldn't understand why - it took me a while to figure that one out.
My daddy.... his smell...... something I will never forget. Metal shavings. That smell is my daddy because he had worked in a metal shop too! I remember running to the front door, when I was little, jumping up on him for a kiss and a hug, every single day and every day the metal shavings were still on him. He was always dirty and smelling of metal and oil.
What a HUGE coincidence..... but there are so many more coincidences when it comes to this job!!!
G was the owner, R was in the shop quoting and managing, Ro in the back with others, and V, who started the same day I did!!
Everything that had to do with metal, we did it. We designed too.
Computer parts, motorcycle parts, backyard items, keg parts, elevator parts.
I didn't usually stay at jobs for long.
I would fix them, then get bored and leave to fix another company.
This one I stayed at, until family became too important.
January 18, 2021 DAY FORTY-FOUR MONDAY
Get you a guy that cries when you cry.
I don't cry much - FACT!
But when W died that changed everything.
I was driving home from work and I talked to W, which is my usual, immediately when I get in the car after work.
She told me she had 2 weeks to live. I could hardly hear her and her voice was getting worse. She could hardly get a word out.
I almost threw up. I knew this was it. With so much happening to her, this time, it was going to happen.
I could tell she was scared and there was no question --- I was going.
I called the Dr., she said to come NOW. I said, I'm leaving as soon as I get home and throw things in my car. She reiterated "NOW".
I called T.
I was crying, then he started crying. An ugly cry! FOR ME! For MY friend. For my crushed heart.
I cried more.
To have a man love me enough, to know, to feel, that my bestest of everything was leaving me.
And yes, I'm crying now.
I've waited for YEARS for a man to be a man with compassion and love and warmth.
Not only can he be funny, a jerk, an asshole, exciting, unforgettable, unbelievable, amazing, but he can SHOW me his love.
At every opportunity.
A grown up man, all mine. A grown up man, when it counts, when he should be.
This right here, made me love him more.... I didn't think I could love him more.
This man, GOD made for ME!
We've had our growing together fights. Our arguments, our disagreements. But each one made us stronger. Binding us tight, without suffocation.
But when he cried because I was crying..... ughhhhhhh.... for those of you who know..... YOU KNOW!
Those many many many years of single-hood were worth it. Painful, but worth it.
I had a job to do -- my girls and my grampa --- and I knew when the time was right, GOD would drop him in my lap.
He was perfect for me.
Is still perfect for me.
Get you a guy that cries when you cry.
I don't cry much - FACT!
But when W died that changed everything.
I was driving home from work and I talked to W, which is my usual, immediately when I get in the car after work.
She told me she had 2 weeks to live. I could hardly hear her and her voice was getting worse. She could hardly get a word out.
I almost threw up. I knew this was it. With so much happening to her, this time, it was going to happen.
I could tell she was scared and there was no question --- I was going.
I called the Dr., she said to come NOW. I said, I'm leaving as soon as I get home and throw things in my car. She reiterated "NOW".
I called T.
I was crying, then he started crying. An ugly cry! FOR ME! For MY friend. For my crushed heart.
I cried more.
To have a man love me enough, to know, to feel, that my bestest of everything was leaving me.
And yes, I'm crying now.
I've waited for YEARS for a man to be a man with compassion and love and warmth.
Not only can he be funny, a jerk, an asshole, exciting, unforgettable, unbelievable, amazing, but he can SHOW me his love.
At every opportunity.
A grown up man, all mine. A grown up man, when it counts, when he should be.
This right here, made me love him more.... I didn't think I could love him more.
This man, GOD made for ME!
We've had our growing together fights. Our arguments, our disagreements. But each one made us stronger. Binding us tight, without suffocation.
But when he cried because I was crying..... ughhhhhhh.... for those of you who know..... YOU KNOW!
Those many many many years of single-hood were worth it. Painful, but worth it.
I had a job to do -- my girls and my grampa --- and I knew when the time was right, GOD would drop him in my lap.
He was perfect for me.
Is still perfect for me.
January 17, 2021 DAY FORTY-THREE SUNDAY
Covidfakebscrap is the dumbing down of our nation.
The sheep believing the crap the "gov" says about it and our children being caught in an evil political fight.
The schools don't teach. The parents must wake up and teach them.
We need to put our children in schools that teach about real subjects again, with real history and economic and political classes.
As of now, our schools are teaching crap, and have been for a long time. I saw the decline.
I saw the rewards for cupcakes and cans of food instead of putting in the hard work for that A.
I saw the one way propaganda pushed on my children and myself. I fought it to some degree, but parents aren't stronger than their kids' peers and school and teachers.
I saw the teachers telling my kids about their social lives. Social lives that had nothing to do with a classroom and learning.
Teachers are not childrens' friends. They are there for direction.
But I slowly saw those teachers turn from 80 years old to 23 years old.
The teachers in my day were old and slow, but smart and mature.
We made fun of our teachers, not dream of going out on a date with our teachers.
23 is too immature to be around 17 year olds.
23 is a perfect age for 5, 6 and 7 year olds.
23 and 17 is not a big enough age gap to keep the conversation educational.
I saw it, I heard it.
These teachers try to become "friends" and "cool" to their students.
The teacher/student relationship has become slanted.
Schools back then, and old teachers, didn't give a shyt who you were. They would give you a bad grade not giving you one care in the world.
Young teachers DO GIVE A SHYT.... "will they hate me" "will I hurt their feelings" ...
don't tell me that doesn't go through their minds!
We need to do schooling a different way. I want my children to go to a good school. I want to choose what they learn.
Now is the time for schools to change. Good classes. Real teaching classes. Gardening. Self-Defense. Economics. Sewing.
Give me my tax money and let me take my kids to where I want them to go.
Now is the time for smart people to open some schools. Schools that teach.
Tim Kennedy did. Here in Cedar Park, TX.
The new America will have new schools!
Covidfakebscrap is the dumbing down of our nation.
The sheep believing the crap the "gov" says about it and our children being caught in an evil political fight.
The schools don't teach. The parents must wake up and teach them.
We need to put our children in schools that teach about real subjects again, with real history and economic and political classes.
As of now, our schools are teaching crap, and have been for a long time. I saw the decline.
I saw the rewards for cupcakes and cans of food instead of putting in the hard work for that A.
I saw the one way propaganda pushed on my children and myself. I fought it to some degree, but parents aren't stronger than their kids' peers and school and teachers.
I saw the teachers telling my kids about their social lives. Social lives that had nothing to do with a classroom and learning.
Teachers are not childrens' friends. They are there for direction.
But I slowly saw those teachers turn from 80 years old to 23 years old.
The teachers in my day were old and slow, but smart and mature.
We made fun of our teachers, not dream of going out on a date with our teachers.
23 is too immature to be around 17 year olds.
23 is a perfect age for 5, 6 and 7 year olds.
23 and 17 is not a big enough age gap to keep the conversation educational.
I saw it, I heard it.
These teachers try to become "friends" and "cool" to their students.
The teacher/student relationship has become slanted.
Schools back then, and old teachers, didn't give a shyt who you were. They would give you a bad grade not giving you one care in the world.
Young teachers DO GIVE A SHYT.... "will they hate me" "will I hurt their feelings" ...
don't tell me that doesn't go through their minds!
We need to do schooling a different way. I want my children to go to a good school. I want to choose what they learn.
Now is the time for schools to change. Good classes. Real teaching classes. Gardening. Self-Defense. Economics. Sewing.
Give me my tax money and let me take my kids to where I want them to go.
Now is the time for smart people to open some schools. Schools that teach.
Tim Kennedy did. Here in Cedar Park, TX.
The new America will have new schools!
January 16, 2021 DAY FORTY-TWO SATURDAY
#MyMiniMiniMe and I text sometimes.
I want her to get a different view of the world.
She has her mommy, but every little girl needs her Mimi.
I remember I needed my gramma quite often because I thought my mom was insane.
That's what gramma's are for.
We were texting and I sent her a picture of her old teacher from 3 years ago when she first moved to Wyoming.
she says, "I hated her and her class cause I was blind"
"you were blind?", I ask
"No, blinded by their fake nice-ness. If I was really blind, I wouldn't be able to see".
Ughhhhhhh..... how sad is that??? A 10 yr old knowing the pain of fake nice-ness.
It's sad and painful for me to hear, but a lesson for her. A lesson she needs to learn or she will keep making the same mistakes by letting people in over and over again.
I said, "No, you were not blind. You learned something. People are mean. Step away from the mean ones or you'll get hurt and sometimes things can go too far. All the stuff happened, happened for a reason. Step away from the mean ones! They will make your life miserable."
Being a little girls is difficult enough.
Then add all the social inadequacies.
Then add hormones.
She's 10.
Half the time I didn't know what I was doing when I was that age.
I think kids today have to grow up so fast.
TV... shows our kids and says everything. Even though kids might not know what the tv says and does, they can find out.
Google search that and anything else you want.
Today we give our kids so much free reign. Kids don't like that much free space. They like to have boundaries. They might not say it, but boundaries equals love. It means you care. You care what happens.
I want M to have someone to talk to. Mommies and daughters have problems anyways. It's human nature.
Mommy/daughter relationships are about control. Mommies want to control their daughters and daughters don't like being controlled.
As a mommy, you have to pick your fights.
Little girls hate.... and they hate good.
They learn how to hate from hateful friends.
M has had some hateful friends and people in her life. Kids need to know how to process emotions and understand that ALL emotions are normal.
I felt alone many times because of the mean things kids said or did to me. When I found out that whether people are mean or not, all people have emotions quite like mine and we are all basically the same ---- self-esteem problems, skinny/fat problems, hair problems, clothes problems, etc ---- I was relieved. I was normal. Feeling bad about yourself is normal.... It's what you do with your emotions and feelings is the key.
Listening to people and how they survived emotions and feelings helps you survive yours.
I asked questions then listened to everyone around me. I took the information I needed, melded it together and grew up better with it all. I actually thank GOD I had the strength to ASK and then LISTEN. I used different people in my life for different things. There were experts all around me. All I had to do was say the first word and learn.
I want to be that for M.
Especially with being so far away.
I used to be her everything.
#MyMiniMiniMe and I text sometimes.
I want her to get a different view of the world.
She has her mommy, but every little girl needs her Mimi.
I remember I needed my gramma quite often because I thought my mom was insane.
That's what gramma's are for.
We were texting and I sent her a picture of her old teacher from 3 years ago when she first moved to Wyoming.
she says, "I hated her and her class cause I was blind"
"you were blind?", I ask
"No, blinded by their fake nice-ness. If I was really blind, I wouldn't be able to see".
Ughhhhhhh..... how sad is that??? A 10 yr old knowing the pain of fake nice-ness.
It's sad and painful for me to hear, but a lesson for her. A lesson she needs to learn or she will keep making the same mistakes by letting people in over and over again.
I said, "No, you were not blind. You learned something. People are mean. Step away from the mean ones or you'll get hurt and sometimes things can go too far. All the stuff happened, happened for a reason. Step away from the mean ones! They will make your life miserable."
Being a little girls is difficult enough.
Then add all the social inadequacies.
Then add hormones.
She's 10.
Half the time I didn't know what I was doing when I was that age.
I think kids today have to grow up so fast.
TV... shows our kids and says everything. Even though kids might not know what the tv says and does, they can find out.
Google search that and anything else you want.
Today we give our kids so much free reign. Kids don't like that much free space. They like to have boundaries. They might not say it, but boundaries equals love. It means you care. You care what happens.
I want M to have someone to talk to. Mommies and daughters have problems anyways. It's human nature.
Mommy/daughter relationships are about control. Mommies want to control their daughters and daughters don't like being controlled.
As a mommy, you have to pick your fights.
Little girls hate.... and they hate good.
They learn how to hate from hateful friends.
M has had some hateful friends and people in her life. Kids need to know how to process emotions and understand that ALL emotions are normal.
I felt alone many times because of the mean things kids said or did to me. When I found out that whether people are mean or not, all people have emotions quite like mine and we are all basically the same ---- self-esteem problems, skinny/fat problems, hair problems, clothes problems, etc ---- I was relieved. I was normal. Feeling bad about yourself is normal.... It's what you do with your emotions and feelings is the key.
Listening to people and how they survived emotions and feelings helps you survive yours.
I asked questions then listened to everyone around me. I took the information I needed, melded it together and grew up better with it all. I actually thank GOD I had the strength to ASK and then LISTEN. I used different people in my life for different things. There were experts all around me. All I had to do was say the first word and learn.
I want to be that for M.
Especially with being so far away.
I used to be her everything.
January 15, 2021 DAY FORTY-ONE FRIDAY
When I worked at B&W (1993-2005) I cursed more than I ever had in my entire life.
My mom would comment on my language, she wasn't very happy, so, after a few months, I made a decision to only speak like that at work, never in front of my kids. It was very hard at first, but I learned.
At work, we would have so much fun talking shyt. I had the best time of my life at a job, there. It was completely all male, so no hormones, except for my own. And I always told the guys when I was ovulating, to warn them, not that they couldn't tell!!
I talked like a sailor, at work. It was so bad in my regular life, it makes me laugh out loud, right now. Saying the F word, made me feel free. Gave me my own personality. It's a word one should always use once in their life for 6 months straight. LOL --- it changes a person, gives one power.
I never really felt like saying it, on purpose before in my life, so I considered it a phase. I know that sounds weird, but I loved saying it. Maybe out of rebeliousness because of my mom telling me to "stop talking like that".... or, I was always on my best behavior in front of the girls with so much responsibility, that saying f.u.c.k was rebelling against all rules because I lived with so many.
Eventually, I understood how completely unladylike it is. I tried to control those bad words in front of the girls, and I came to the point to never utter a curse word in front of them. That lasted for years, btw!!!
The funny thing is, #1 went through an "f word phase" like that in college. I said, "stop saying that word", and she just said, "I love that word". Hilarious!!! What a moment!
Me, sounding like my mother and totally awesome that my daughter is just like me and she doesn't even realize it!
When we moved to Texas, I remember cursing. They were older. But I also said, "you must be 21 to use that word". They were actually good about not saying too many bad words, but society has made so many words "ok", that I feel like I had to change.
The schools, propaganda of evil, working itself into our children, has grown tremendously over the years and parents really cannot control it. Peer pressure in schools is such a fierce negative force beyond anybody's control. It's a constant battle. I remember it!! I saw it. I was the only one. And I fought against it, every step of the way.
And I'm still fighting it. Wishing parents would take their kids out of schools and teach them themselves.
Covidfakebscrap is the dumbing down of our nation.
The sheep believing the crap the "gov" says about it and our children being caught in an evil political fight.
The schools don't teach. The parents must wake up and teach them.
We need to put our children in schools that teach about real subjects again, with real history and economic and political classes, but that will be in the future and another subject.
When I worked at B&W (1993-2005) I cursed more than I ever had in my entire life.
My mom would comment on my language, she wasn't very happy, so, after a few months, I made a decision to only speak like that at work, never in front of my kids. It was very hard at first, but I learned.
At work, we would have so much fun talking shyt. I had the best time of my life at a job, there. It was completely all male, so no hormones, except for my own. And I always told the guys when I was ovulating, to warn them, not that they couldn't tell!!
I talked like a sailor, at work. It was so bad in my regular life, it makes me laugh out loud, right now. Saying the F word, made me feel free. Gave me my own personality. It's a word one should always use once in their life for 6 months straight. LOL --- it changes a person, gives one power.
I never really felt like saying it, on purpose before in my life, so I considered it a phase. I know that sounds weird, but I loved saying it. Maybe out of rebeliousness because of my mom telling me to "stop talking like that".... or, I was always on my best behavior in front of the girls with so much responsibility, that saying f.u.c.k was rebelling against all rules because I lived with so many.
Eventually, I understood how completely unladylike it is. I tried to control those bad words in front of the girls, and I came to the point to never utter a curse word in front of them. That lasted for years, btw!!!
The funny thing is, #1 went through an "f word phase" like that in college. I said, "stop saying that word", and she just said, "I love that word". Hilarious!!! What a moment!
Me, sounding like my mother and totally awesome that my daughter is just like me and she doesn't even realize it!
When we moved to Texas, I remember cursing. They were older. But I also said, "you must be 21 to use that word". They were actually good about not saying too many bad words, but society has made so many words "ok", that I feel like I had to change.
The schools, propaganda of evil, working itself into our children, has grown tremendously over the years and parents really cannot control it. Peer pressure in schools is such a fierce negative force beyond anybody's control. It's a constant battle. I remember it!! I saw it. I was the only one. And I fought against it, every step of the way.
And I'm still fighting it. Wishing parents would take their kids out of schools and teach them themselves.
Covidfakebscrap is the dumbing down of our nation.
The sheep believing the crap the "gov" says about it and our children being caught in an evil political fight.
The schools don't teach. The parents must wake up and teach them.
We need to put our children in schools that teach about real subjects again, with real history and economic and political classes, but that will be in the future and another subject.
January 14, 2021 DAY FORTY THURSDAY
I feel like I need to defend grampa a little, which I always did with my mom.
We tried to take my gramma away from grampa. To save her. To give her the joy of us instead of being yelled at and harrassed by grampa.
Back in gramma's day, women had their place. There was no choice. You were the homemaker. You did all the homemaking. Men worked hard, earned the money then men had fun with the guys and drank to forget about working so hard.
She knew what was going on.
She could have left.
Maybe she tried.
Maybe she tried so many times that when we tried to help her, she had no energy left.
It's takes energy. Energy spent on raising kids, growing food, making clothes and just surviving. No energy left to change your entire life.
Especially for a woman who never lived alone or was ever by herself.
Times were hard and everyone had their job in the family. You either do it or you die.
She had 4 kids to take care of.
She didn't know anything else.
They didn't leave back then.
They stayed no matter what. How gross, that it was probably 'normal' back then.
Fast forward to now.... people be breakin' up, divorcing, livin' and lovin' every chance they get.
This is a one for all and all for one society.
You better learn to live by yourself and independently.
My mother, unbeknowenst to her, taught me how to be a strong independent woman.
She didn't teach me by showing me, she taught me by being exactly the way her father was to her mother.
I can defend her also......
She knew two ways to be. To be like her mother or her father. Unfortunately, the traumatic part of her life was mostly present while showing me mine.
I understand it, I see it and I eventually forgave her.
I don't think I could have ever survived my children AND her father, BY MYSELF, without being prepared by his daughter.
Taking care of her father, made me love her more.
It made me understand her more.
It made me understand EVERYONE more.
I psychoanalyzed her and tried to get her to love him and to forgive him for what he had done to her and the boys and her mother, but she couldn't get past it.
Often, when I talked about 'grampa times', I could tell she was jealous of my relationship with him.
With his dementia, he became the father she wanted. He was loving and funny. He was good to me and the girls. We became the bestest of friends.
He never hurt me like he hurt them. I was his grand daughter. All he ever did was love me.
Taking care of him was natural for me - THE REASON FOR ME.
The reason I was put into his family.
Adopted to be the caregiver because his own family couldn't/shouldn't.
In the beginning, I would wish he was gramma, because she was the one I worshipped, she was the one I adored, she was the one I had slumber parties with, she was my co-conspirator, my angel. Oh, the things we could have done together. And my babies!! She would have loved living with them.
God takes the angels first.
I feel like I need to defend grampa a little, which I always did with my mom.
We tried to take my gramma away from grampa. To save her. To give her the joy of us instead of being yelled at and harrassed by grampa.
Back in gramma's day, women had their place. There was no choice. You were the homemaker. You did all the homemaking. Men worked hard, earned the money then men had fun with the guys and drank to forget about working so hard.
She knew what was going on.
She could have left.
Maybe she tried.
Maybe she tried so many times that when we tried to help her, she had no energy left.
It's takes energy. Energy spent on raising kids, growing food, making clothes and just surviving. No energy left to change your entire life.
Especially for a woman who never lived alone or was ever by herself.
Times were hard and everyone had their job in the family. You either do it or you die.
She had 4 kids to take care of.
She didn't know anything else.
They didn't leave back then.
They stayed no matter what. How gross, that it was probably 'normal' back then.
Fast forward to now.... people be breakin' up, divorcing, livin' and lovin' every chance they get.
This is a one for all and all for one society.
You better learn to live by yourself and independently.
My mother, unbeknowenst to her, taught me how to be a strong independent woman.
She didn't teach me by showing me, she taught me by being exactly the way her father was to her mother.
I can defend her also......
She knew two ways to be. To be like her mother or her father. Unfortunately, the traumatic part of her life was mostly present while showing me mine.
I understand it, I see it and I eventually forgave her.
I don't think I could have ever survived my children AND her father, BY MYSELF, without being prepared by his daughter.
Taking care of her father, made me love her more.
It made me understand her more.
It made me understand EVERYONE more.
I psychoanalyzed her and tried to get her to love him and to forgive him for what he had done to her and the boys and her mother, but she couldn't get past it.
Often, when I talked about 'grampa times', I could tell she was jealous of my relationship with him.
With his dementia, he became the father she wanted. He was loving and funny. He was good to me and the girls. We became the bestest of friends.
He never hurt me like he hurt them. I was his grand daughter. All he ever did was love me.
Taking care of him was natural for me - THE REASON FOR ME.
The reason I was put into his family.
Adopted to be the caregiver because his own family couldn't/shouldn't.
In the beginning, I would wish he was gramma, because she was the one I worshipped, she was the one I adored, she was the one I had slumber parties with, she was my co-conspirator, my angel. Oh, the things we could have done together. And my babies!! She would have loved living with them.
God takes the angels first.
January 13, 2021 DAY THIRTY-NINE WEDNESDAY
25 years ago today, my gramma died. 1996 -
Ughhhhh, it was horrible, yet beautiful.
She was holding on. You could tell she was in pain. And the death rattle had settled in.
My mom and I went out to help grampa with her. He had been taking care of her by himself, with one arm.
He was tired, and mostly, he was not very nice to her.... or anyone. She was never allowed to leave the house. It was sometimes hard to see her. He didn't like her having fun or smiling, it seemed. He would hide her from all of us. I would come out with the kids without calling because he'd always say no.
They came from an earlier time in life. Different thoughts, different decade. The man/woman issue - not letting the woman do shyt -- yea, that wasn't good with me, but there are some fights you pick. This gender issue wasn't my fight. I wasn't going to change their lives or their minds. At that age, you can't change them and their thoughts. Especially with old age/forgetful thinking. Old people go back to a time THEY remember. I got that. And I also learned a lot.
He was stressed taking care of her. I'm sure he wasn't the best care giver, in fact, I know it wasn't.
I wanted to take her away from him many many times.
I offered my help, but he wouldn't allow it.
It seems there was so much lost because of it. She loved my babies.
She didn't know much, but I knew she knew babies. After all, she had 4 kids. She was an angel to her kids and me. She loved kids. Her face would light up when I took my girls over to see her. I tried to see her as much as possible, but not as much as I wanted to. Sometimes he wouldn't let me in the door......
Italian men are grrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Her final night, I read the bible to her and whispered in her ear "let go".
I even told her I would take care of grampa, I DIDN'T KNOW IT WOULD LITERALLY happen, 4 years later.
She went minutes later.
I spoke at her funeral, in THEIR church, that THEY helped build.
My tribute was long and I'm so happy I verbally and loudly told everyone of my love for her.
I ugly cried the entire time.
It was an amazing closure for me and my gramma.
At the time, my grampa wasn't talking to M, one of his sons, but I called him to let him know.
I was always the one to try to keep the family together. It was such a big Italian family. I missed the big Italian family.
I was sad my children didn't know the big Italian family -- heartbroken.
Family dysfunction is everywhere. Especially with that family.
It started with my grampa. His life was hard. He used to drink a lot when he was younger. I'm sure he pushed gramma around. I don't know what he did to the kids, but I think that's why they hated him. I often talked to my mom about it, she wouldn't say much.
I guess it made my mom feel worse, because my gramma was such an angel. My mom said she never hurt a fly. Always helping and loving people.
My grampa was a chauvenist. Most men were in the 20's 30's 40's. But he was also Italian. That's a double hit against him. Most men had a terrible time letting women do things. Women and children had their place as far as my grampa thought - way below him.
Him and I would have major fightin' words sometimes. More so, after I started taking care of him.
He needed to know he was in MY world. I knew more than he. This new world, my grampa did not know. He did not like that and told me so. It was at these times, I saw in him, what my uncles and mom saw in him. But it was not for me to change him. There was no changing a partly demented mind.
As time goes by, old people don't understand the world they live in. It's a fact. Old people have their own ways -- decades of the same way of looking at things. Most times foregoing the new changes. because the old times seem so much better.
We forget the fact, the world changes as fast as they age. Technology changes, morals change, laws change, society changes. It's hard to direct a male chauvenist into the ways of a new world, when the ears don't listen.
I am almost that old person.
25 years ago today, my gramma died. 1996 -
Ughhhhh, it was horrible, yet beautiful.
She was holding on. You could tell she was in pain. And the death rattle had settled in.
My mom and I went out to help grampa with her. He had been taking care of her by himself, with one arm.
He was tired, and mostly, he was not very nice to her.... or anyone. She was never allowed to leave the house. It was sometimes hard to see her. He didn't like her having fun or smiling, it seemed. He would hide her from all of us. I would come out with the kids without calling because he'd always say no.
They came from an earlier time in life. Different thoughts, different decade. The man/woman issue - not letting the woman do shyt -- yea, that wasn't good with me, but there are some fights you pick. This gender issue wasn't my fight. I wasn't going to change their lives or their minds. At that age, you can't change them and their thoughts. Especially with old age/forgetful thinking. Old people go back to a time THEY remember. I got that. And I also learned a lot.
He was stressed taking care of her. I'm sure he wasn't the best care giver, in fact, I know it wasn't.
I wanted to take her away from him many many times.
I offered my help, but he wouldn't allow it.
It seems there was so much lost because of it. She loved my babies.
She didn't know much, but I knew she knew babies. After all, she had 4 kids. She was an angel to her kids and me. She loved kids. Her face would light up when I took my girls over to see her. I tried to see her as much as possible, but not as much as I wanted to. Sometimes he wouldn't let me in the door......
Italian men are grrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Her final night, I read the bible to her and whispered in her ear "let go".
I even told her I would take care of grampa, I DIDN'T KNOW IT WOULD LITERALLY happen, 4 years later.
She went minutes later.
I spoke at her funeral, in THEIR church, that THEY helped build.
My tribute was long and I'm so happy I verbally and loudly told everyone of my love for her.
I ugly cried the entire time.
It was an amazing closure for me and my gramma.
At the time, my grampa wasn't talking to M, one of his sons, but I called him to let him know.
I was always the one to try to keep the family together. It was such a big Italian family. I missed the big Italian family.
I was sad my children didn't know the big Italian family -- heartbroken.
Family dysfunction is everywhere. Especially with that family.
It started with my grampa. His life was hard. He used to drink a lot when he was younger. I'm sure he pushed gramma around. I don't know what he did to the kids, but I think that's why they hated him. I often talked to my mom about it, she wouldn't say much.
I guess it made my mom feel worse, because my gramma was such an angel. My mom said she never hurt a fly. Always helping and loving people.
My grampa was a chauvenist. Most men were in the 20's 30's 40's. But he was also Italian. That's a double hit against him. Most men had a terrible time letting women do things. Women and children had their place as far as my grampa thought - way below him.
Him and I would have major fightin' words sometimes. More so, after I started taking care of him.
He needed to know he was in MY world. I knew more than he. This new world, my grampa did not know. He did not like that and told me so. It was at these times, I saw in him, what my uncles and mom saw in him. But it was not for me to change him. There was no changing a partly demented mind.
As time goes by, old people don't understand the world they live in. It's a fact. Old people have their own ways -- decades of the same way of looking at things. Most times foregoing the new changes. because the old times seem so much better.
We forget the fact, the world changes as fast as they age. Technology changes, morals change, laws change, society changes. It's hard to direct a male chauvenist into the ways of a new world, when the ears don't listen.
I am almost that old person.
January 12, 2021 DAY THIRTY-EIGHT TUESDAY
K called after she read I was explanting.
She told me all about her dr. and how she would be going to Cali to do it because the dr. is so good, etc and I realized I've not researched it at all.
I didn't even think that was the "common" thing to do now. There are certain dr.'s that do it in a specialized capacity. That blows my mind. All the lingo I have to learn!
I was planning on going to the same dr. that put them in. Who would've thought....
Little things like this have been happening to me lately, more so when I'm really really healthy.
No flouride to fuzz up your mind, enough sun gazing to clear my brain.
Divine intervention
or
Everything I ask the universe for, I receive... sometimes instantly.
Some times its' little things sometimes is big or weird things.
EX. I need a light for my light creation I made (I made the above light out of my grampa's 4-person snow sled he made in the 40's for his little family) and I thought 'wow, wouldn't it be cool if I could find some kind of weird light bulb and then it would make it easier for me.'
The next day, I went to HEB did my weekly shopping, went to the clearance section and found a W.E.I.R.D. lightbulb!!!!!!! The prettiest light bulb! In the clearance section, for $1.49 and it goes perfectly on my grampa's snow sled light.
That is weird stuff and has been happening all the time! I remember there was another time in my life that that happened to me. I don't remember exactly, but it feels familiar.
My brain, and mind are clear of crap. No fog. No chemicals.
I'm happy, up early, asleep late.
My mind is strong. Yet, my body is physically weak.
I have spent so much time on houses -- flipping, painting, cleaning, packing, moving, selling, moving, renting, packing, moving, buying, moving, cleaning, cleaning, painting, painting painting, all in that order..
I haven't paid much attention to ME. I'm about tired of doing stuff, but enjoy doing that stuff.
I'd rather do that stuff than anything else, but as I get older, I'm thinking my health, physically AND emotionally, is very important.
I will never get this time back.
Having any kind of surgery at my age, needs strength -- my physical strength. To heal. Quickly and with no problems.
K called after she read I was explanting.
She told me all about her dr. and how she would be going to Cali to do it because the dr. is so good, etc and I realized I've not researched it at all.
I didn't even think that was the "common" thing to do now. There are certain dr.'s that do it in a specialized capacity. That blows my mind. All the lingo I have to learn!
I was planning on going to the same dr. that put them in. Who would've thought....
Little things like this have been happening to me lately, more so when I'm really really healthy.
No flouride to fuzz up your mind, enough sun gazing to clear my brain.
Divine intervention
or
Everything I ask the universe for, I receive... sometimes instantly.
Some times its' little things sometimes is big or weird things.
EX. I need a light for my light creation I made (I made the above light out of my grampa's 4-person snow sled he made in the 40's for his little family) and I thought 'wow, wouldn't it be cool if I could find some kind of weird light bulb and then it would make it easier for me.'
The next day, I went to HEB did my weekly shopping, went to the clearance section and found a W.E.I.R.D. lightbulb!!!!!!! The prettiest light bulb! In the clearance section, for $1.49 and it goes perfectly on my grampa's snow sled light.
That is weird stuff and has been happening all the time! I remember there was another time in my life that that happened to me. I don't remember exactly, but it feels familiar.
My brain, and mind are clear of crap. No fog. No chemicals.
I'm happy, up early, asleep late.
My mind is strong. Yet, my body is physically weak.
I have spent so much time on houses -- flipping, painting, cleaning, packing, moving, selling, moving, renting, packing, moving, buying, moving, cleaning, cleaning, painting, painting painting, all in that order..
I haven't paid much attention to ME. I'm about tired of doing stuff, but enjoy doing that stuff.
I'd rather do that stuff than anything else, but as I get older, I'm thinking my health, physically AND emotionally, is very important.
I will never get this time back.
Having any kind of surgery at my age, needs strength -- my physical strength. To heal. Quickly and with no problems.
January 11, 2021 DAY THIRTY-SEVEN MONDAY
The 37th day!!
It was a strain to have to come up with things to think about and write. Then I began to get my phone or computer at the moment I'm thinking about something.
I cannot tell you how many times I will write an entire day and I lose it. Working with Weebly from my phone and having several tabs open and doing other things makes me lose everything.
That gets to me. I'll write so good and fast, then boom, it's gone.
Then with social media and the internet screwing up all the time, I'm worried it will all be gone.
This was a political page a couple years ago. It was doing really good..... Then google started restricting it. Wouldn't let me post from my phone, wouldn't let me see the traffic. They have been screwing me good.
So yea..... I've lost a lot of great writing.
After I lose a day or two, I sit there and breath slowly while I'm having a heart attack and fighting the urge to say "F IT", but after 10 deep deep deep breaths. I try to re-create the words of the day ----- BUT TO NO AVAIL.
Hopefully, I learned the last lesson of losing my incredible wonderful amazing words.
Ugh, the disappointment is crazy.
And I just lost part of yesterday and it was one of my best writings.
Loss --- is part of life. It gives you a chance to do something over, but better.
It gives you a chance to learn something different.
Loss is meant to be.
I've had a lot of loss in my life. It's getting to that part of life, that I cannot remember every major loss in my life let alone the happy ones.
Loss of memory...... That is the toughest loss of all.
I saw it in my gramma, my grampa, my mom....
Their memory left and returned in another decade.
But to know that I'll probably be in their shoes, makes me mourn quietly. I do not have their blood, but I feel losing our memories awaits us all.
The reason for 12 months / 365 days.
I don't want to forget and I want my children to know things.
I will have to buy a printer again and print out my journal.
Constantly feeling frustrated and anxious because I might delete everything is stressful...
I'm glad the words are releasing easier than before.
In fact, sometimes I think too much and I have too much to say. I can barely type as fast as my thoughts. But I keep up.
And I keep saying to myself, this is my journal, be true, be real.
It's getting easier, but I don't think I'm giving up any secrets... YET!!
Cause I have had some bad crazy weird illegal amazing times.
I got a diary app for my computer, to ease my stress. Now, I can write in there first. I'm going to put all of this in there too.
My words are like my pictures, all 10 terrabytes of them. Words and Pictures are very important in my life.
January 10, 2021 DAY THIRTY-SIX SUNDAY
When I Was Your Man - Bruno Mars
This song reminds me of the lessons we learn and everything is supposed to happen for a reason.
I know it's about not paying attention when you should have and now you're a jealous bitch, seeing her with someone better who treats her way better than you ever did.
But to me it also reminds me of #2 going through a break-up with a good man. He did something wrong and he regretted it and he was going to change. She said no. I was upset with her for saying "no". He was a man who made a mistake. We all do. Sometimes, it only takes one tiny minute thing for a person to change.
Like losing someone or ALMOST losing them.
He made a mistake, this could be the tipping point for him. To forever be an honest, true person because of what was lost. Do you give that person that one chance?
We all make mistakes. In every mistake is a lesson. At that tiny moment in that huge mistake, you think all is lost and life will never be the same because of something stupid you did. I believe every person deserves a chance..... Unless, their mistakes are habits.
Either the same mistake over and over again. Or multiple mistakes with some kind of theme to them.
Mistakes can be habit forming if consequences aren't swift, meaningful and numerous.
Thank God mommy was wrong. They both, each on their own, have wonderful lives.
He went through an entire production, one scene, played out perfectly, perfect words, perfect setting, with one actor and a team of collaborators, ready to do his bidding, in order for the prince to get his princess back. We were so excited to surprise T with such a romantic drama.
He was working at it, like it was going to save his life.
And T outright said NO.
I was a little upset. Me, the person with a black heart.
My heart hurt so much for M.
Someone good for T. Responsible, kind, that's what I wanted for my daughter. Everyone wants that for their children.
Maybe this was his precipice, to go onward with his own deep self-exploration into humanity.
Or his downfall, to never see any light ever again in his life. To go on with negativity, or missing the point altogether.
T was mad, angry, on the brink of pissed. There were, for sure, things I didn't know. So I shut up.
So, many ways to look at one situation. From all different sides. Everyone came out of it with different thoughts and feelings.
But it was all meant to be.
And everyone learned something from it.
And everything is as perfect as it should be.
When I Was Your Man - Bruno Mars
This song reminds me of the lessons we learn and everything is supposed to happen for a reason.
I know it's about not paying attention when you should have and now you're a jealous bitch, seeing her with someone better who treats her way better than you ever did.
But to me it also reminds me of #2 going through a break-up with a good man. He did something wrong and he regretted it and he was going to change. She said no. I was upset with her for saying "no". He was a man who made a mistake. We all do. Sometimes, it only takes one tiny minute thing for a person to change.
Like losing someone or ALMOST losing them.
He made a mistake, this could be the tipping point for him. To forever be an honest, true person because of what was lost. Do you give that person that one chance?
We all make mistakes. In every mistake is a lesson. At that tiny moment in that huge mistake, you think all is lost and life will never be the same because of something stupid you did. I believe every person deserves a chance..... Unless, their mistakes are habits.
Either the same mistake over and over again. Or multiple mistakes with some kind of theme to them.
Mistakes can be habit forming if consequences aren't swift, meaningful and numerous.
Thank God mommy was wrong. They both, each on their own, have wonderful lives.
He went through an entire production, one scene, played out perfectly, perfect words, perfect setting, with one actor and a team of collaborators, ready to do his bidding, in order for the prince to get his princess back. We were so excited to surprise T with such a romantic drama.
He was working at it, like it was going to save his life.
And T outright said NO.
I was a little upset. Me, the person with a black heart.
My heart hurt so much for M.
Someone good for T. Responsible, kind, that's what I wanted for my daughter. Everyone wants that for their children.
Maybe this was his precipice, to go onward with his own deep self-exploration into humanity.
Or his downfall, to never see any light ever again in his life. To go on with negativity, or missing the point altogether.
T was mad, angry, on the brink of pissed. There were, for sure, things I didn't know. So I shut up.
So, many ways to look at one situation. From all different sides. Everyone came out of it with different thoughts and feelings.
But it was all meant to be.
And everyone learned something from it.
And everything is as perfect as it should be.
January 9, 2021 DAY THIRTY-FIVE SATURDAY
Feeling so much better today.
Sugar is bad. It's an inflammatory. It makes my entire body hurt and I feel so old and sad. I can't help feeling heartbroken for all the people eating so much sugar and processed food that they only know aches and pain in life.
And the depression. Sugar makes you blah, your emotions become blah. Ughhhhh, I can't do the sugar/processed thing for a long period of time, I'm sure I would die soon. Just from the horrible feelings it invokes.
My hips hurt so much, from the time I get up til I go to sleep. And sometimes still hurting in bed. That, to me, is not worth eating and drinking all that shyt.
Then I get off sugar/carbs and BOOM, all hurt and pain goes away. Everything is gone. No inflammation, no headaches, nothing.
Toxins destroy everything in your body. That's not how life is meant to be.
God gave us things to be healthy..... quite by no coincidence at all, your gov calls them weeds and "dangerous".
Sickness..... sugar, processed food, chemicals. Keep eating it, the worse I feel.
Yoga is a cure all for me. Gymnastics ruined my body, my hips, my wrists, my ankles. But yoga takes the pain away. Slow, smooth yoga. I feel like I've been so busy for the last 8 months that I don't have time for it.
That's a lie I tell myself, I guess. Yes, I am a busy person. I don't know how to slow down. And that is why I haven't been able to do as much as I'd like. I'm too fast. Yoga requires patience.
I have no patience or laziness when it comes to being at home. I work, I paint, I shop, I cook, I clean --- sometimes I don't know where the time goes. I try to do yoga, do it for 15 minutes, then stop, because doing laundry sounds like time better spent.
That, right there is the problem.
Very few women take time for themselves.
45 minutes of yoga, 4 times a week does my body good.
But I got out of the habit 8 months ago and cannot get back on the wagon.
It's my own fault. I see it and realize it and understand it, but I haven't been able to get back to it.
The first step is to acknowledge the bad.
I feel so much better with yoga. FACT!
It's time to get back on the yoga train and help the detox and get right again before all of this crap in the world
ate up my "me time".
I've always been energetic. Hyper. Entrepreneurial. Inventive. Fast. Never Stopping. Talkative
My mom would tell me to go in my closet and scream to get rid of all of that energy. It actually helps. I think I'll try it again.
I remember in my 30's I would go in the closet and scream. 3 babies, 3 jobs and a grampa, all by myself, make me scream.
I think I'm busy now, and I look back at those times and don't know how I'm still alive.
Makes me retract everything I've said about being busy.
At times, my kids were going to 3 different schools with 3 different start times.
No one to help me "watch" the kids to go to the store "just for one thing".
No one to help me when everyone was sick at the same time.
No one to help me when sleep was an unknown thing.
How I did this, I will continue to ask myself.
Thank God I did this. What enormous fun! And stress! But more fun!
The courage, strength and wisdom a person gains from difficult times, is no joke.
I wish I had all that courage, strength and wisdom when I was going through it.
Dr. Jeremiah once said wisdom comes in it's own time. I sure had to wait a long time to get it! But he was correct. It comes and it's Busy is just a word.
A word to be used wisely.
Feeling so much better today.
Sugar is bad. It's an inflammatory. It makes my entire body hurt and I feel so old and sad. I can't help feeling heartbroken for all the people eating so much sugar and processed food that they only know aches and pain in life.
And the depression. Sugar makes you blah, your emotions become blah. Ughhhhh, I can't do the sugar/processed thing for a long period of time, I'm sure I would die soon. Just from the horrible feelings it invokes.
My hips hurt so much, from the time I get up til I go to sleep. And sometimes still hurting in bed. That, to me, is not worth eating and drinking all that shyt.
Then I get off sugar/carbs and BOOM, all hurt and pain goes away. Everything is gone. No inflammation, no headaches, nothing.
Toxins destroy everything in your body. That's not how life is meant to be.
God gave us things to be healthy..... quite by no coincidence at all, your gov calls them weeds and "dangerous".
Sickness..... sugar, processed food, chemicals. Keep eating it, the worse I feel.
Yoga is a cure all for me. Gymnastics ruined my body, my hips, my wrists, my ankles. But yoga takes the pain away. Slow, smooth yoga. I feel like I've been so busy for the last 8 months that I don't have time for it.
That's a lie I tell myself, I guess. Yes, I am a busy person. I don't know how to slow down. And that is why I haven't been able to do as much as I'd like. I'm too fast. Yoga requires patience.
I have no patience or laziness when it comes to being at home. I work, I paint, I shop, I cook, I clean --- sometimes I don't know where the time goes. I try to do yoga, do it for 15 minutes, then stop, because doing laundry sounds like time better spent.
That, right there is the problem.
Very few women take time for themselves.
45 minutes of yoga, 4 times a week does my body good.
But I got out of the habit 8 months ago and cannot get back on the wagon.
It's my own fault. I see it and realize it and understand it, but I haven't been able to get back to it.
The first step is to acknowledge the bad.
I feel so much better with yoga. FACT!
It's time to get back on the yoga train and help the detox and get right again before all of this crap in the world
ate up my "me time".
I've always been energetic. Hyper. Entrepreneurial. Inventive. Fast. Never Stopping. Talkative
My mom would tell me to go in my closet and scream to get rid of all of that energy. It actually helps. I think I'll try it again.
I remember in my 30's I would go in the closet and scream. 3 babies, 3 jobs and a grampa, all by myself, make me scream.
I think I'm busy now, and I look back at those times and don't know how I'm still alive.
Makes me retract everything I've said about being busy.
At times, my kids were going to 3 different schools with 3 different start times.
No one to help me "watch" the kids to go to the store "just for one thing".
No one to help me when everyone was sick at the same time.
No one to help me when sleep was an unknown thing.
How I did this, I will continue to ask myself.
Thank God I did this. What enormous fun! And stress! But more fun!
The courage, strength and wisdom a person gains from difficult times, is no joke.
I wish I had all that courage, strength and wisdom when I was going through it.
Dr. Jeremiah once said wisdom comes in it's own time. I sure had to wait a long time to get it! But he was correct. It comes and it's Busy is just a word.
A word to be used wisely.
January 8, 2021 DAY THIRTY-FOUR FRIDAY
I cannot tell you how excited I am for Friday.
I am tired. I worked a lot. My mind was so used to being a dumb barbie brain for so long, my first week of work, after Christmas, was tough.
I was finally feeling back to almost normal.
No more headache, back on vitamins, good food, real water.
Jumped up out of bed --- my one true indicator of mood health.
Happy to have a weekend with my love -- yes, #MyHusband.
E has been home because her work shut down for yearly cleaning. She couldn't afford it but luckily the 600 stimulus helped her out a little. I love that she's home. Probably one of her last times, since in the summertime she will be moving to a real home down here after fulfilling her Waco lease.
She is such a different person compared to "freshman in college" E. Lovely. Smart. Making goals.
It's been so cold.
Even in the house I've been freezing all day then around 9pm I am warm.
It's always like that in the winter. I am cold 24/7.
I thought being menopausal mary would even things out for me. NOPE!
Why is 70 warm in winter and cold in summer?
75 is super hot in winter and livable in summer?
You turn the heat to 72 in winter and it's warm.
You turn the AC t 72 in summer and it's cool.
I don't get it.
Just like I don't understand my temperature sometimes.
Between my Reynaud's Disease, I've had since my twenties, oldness, being a chick and menopause, my temperature is way past wacky.
Praying for something in my life that I can do. To make me worthy.
I love my shell curtains. That makes me feel good, but that's a hobby. Re-doing my house is a hobby and a must, but
I want to do something big with my life. I have so many ideas, but not enough time.
I need that one thing.
I shall pray.
I cannot tell you how excited I am for Friday.
I am tired. I worked a lot. My mind was so used to being a dumb barbie brain for so long, my first week of work, after Christmas, was tough.
I was finally feeling back to almost normal.
No more headache, back on vitamins, good food, real water.
Jumped up out of bed --- my one true indicator of mood health.
Happy to have a weekend with my love -- yes, #MyHusband.
E has been home because her work shut down for yearly cleaning. She couldn't afford it but luckily the 600 stimulus helped her out a little. I love that she's home. Probably one of her last times, since in the summertime she will be moving to a real home down here after fulfilling her Waco lease.
She is such a different person compared to "freshman in college" E. Lovely. Smart. Making goals.
It's been so cold.
Even in the house I've been freezing all day then around 9pm I am warm.
It's always like that in the winter. I am cold 24/7.
I thought being menopausal mary would even things out for me. NOPE!
Why is 70 warm in winter and cold in summer?
75 is super hot in winter and livable in summer?
You turn the heat to 72 in winter and it's warm.
You turn the AC t 72 in summer and it's cool.
I don't get it.
Just like I don't understand my temperature sometimes.
Between my Reynaud's Disease, I've had since my twenties, oldness, being a chick and menopause, my temperature is way past wacky.
Praying for something in my life that I can do. To make me worthy.
I love my shell curtains. That makes me feel good, but that's a hobby. Re-doing my house is a hobby and a must, but
I want to do something big with my life. I have so many ideas, but not enough time.
I need that one thing.
I shall pray.
January 7, 2021 DAY THIRTY-THREE THURSDAY
Yesterday, I was watching it live. I probably should have written while it was going on, but I was working
I know gov stuff, but rarely watch congress proceedings, so I was not familiar with how they were doing things or why they were doing things. Not too particularly interested because I was busy with work.
But I did catch some very interesting things.
I watched the rally first. Trump's speech was normal, maybe he was a little subdued. His speech was not about anger and riotness. It was about truth and loving America. But no one will know that because the news hides facts.
I switched to the congress count of electoral votes immediately after.
A couple minutes later, the screen went blue. For a long time, I thought it was part of their constant breaks and recesses. I was working and didn't care.
I was on UTube -- RSBNetwork -- and it switched to fake news by itself. I knew it was crap. They were freaking out because something happened. Talking about MAGA people, but all I was seeing were people in black and black helmets. That's not MAGA.
No where on UTube could I find a real news station. They took them all down. It was all fake news.
I went to my phone to find real news and listened.
Everything was calm. They were talking like nothing happened. They were showing rally people walking into the capital through open doors, in a slow formed line and showing ant.ifa in another part of the capital trying to figure out what happened.
I wasn't understanding why the fake news was freaking out.
Funny how the fake news knew exactly "what happened". It was their agenda, their story. And everyone else was confused.
They knew all the answers before they were even asked.
I didn't understand why there were so many professional cameras held by the "people in black wearing red, white or blue".
I guess the red, white and blue makes that MAGA. Sounds legit.
They were quite organized. Knowing how to break a window, even with MA.GA trying to stop them by pulling them down.
This is all a movie.
I'm proud to see the bullshyt for what it is.
Life will be great once the ds is gone.
Looking at the the liberal horrible words on social media is pathetic and sad though.
That is what I'm tired of.
I cannot believe the names they call people for even having an opinion.
They are the first to get offended, the first to call people names, the first to get angry, the only ones to bully to get their point across.
The holly.wood stars are the worst. The way they talk to "the other side", anyone who has a differing opinion.
They are afraid. They've done bad things, bad things to children. Some have been blackmailed and HAVE to be a certain way and I have compassion for them. I just feel so much for everyone involved.
That's why I can't handle libs fkd up rhetoric when talking to people. They have nothing. NONE of them do. And no one can talk to them, because they start freaking out about the cheeto.
Poor sad children.
OK, enough politics. I don't want politics in here much, but I know I will have to soon to explain stuff.
But that will be later.
This is the 33rd day. No coincidences.
Yesterday, I was watching it live. I probably should have written while it was going on, but I was working
I know gov stuff, but rarely watch congress proceedings, so I was not familiar with how they were doing things or why they were doing things. Not too particularly interested because I was busy with work.
But I did catch some very interesting things.
I watched the rally first. Trump's speech was normal, maybe he was a little subdued. His speech was not about anger and riotness. It was about truth and loving America. But no one will know that because the news hides facts.
I switched to the congress count of electoral votes immediately after.
A couple minutes later, the screen went blue. For a long time, I thought it was part of their constant breaks and recesses. I was working and didn't care.
I was on UTube -- RSBNetwork -- and it switched to fake news by itself. I knew it was crap. They were freaking out because something happened. Talking about MAGA people, but all I was seeing were people in black and black helmets. That's not MAGA.
No where on UTube could I find a real news station. They took them all down. It was all fake news.
I went to my phone to find real news and listened.
Everything was calm. They were talking like nothing happened. They were showing rally people walking into the capital through open doors, in a slow formed line and showing ant.ifa in another part of the capital trying to figure out what happened.
I wasn't understanding why the fake news was freaking out.
Funny how the fake news knew exactly "what happened". It was their agenda, their story. And everyone else was confused.
They knew all the answers before they were even asked.
I didn't understand why there were so many professional cameras held by the "people in black wearing red, white or blue".
I guess the red, white and blue makes that MAGA. Sounds legit.
They were quite organized. Knowing how to break a window, even with MA.GA trying to stop them by pulling them down.
This is all a movie.
I'm proud to see the bullshyt for what it is.
Life will be great once the ds is gone.
Looking at the the liberal horrible words on social media is pathetic and sad though.
That is what I'm tired of.
I cannot believe the names they call people for even having an opinion.
They are the first to get offended, the first to call people names, the first to get angry, the only ones to bully to get their point across.
The holly.wood stars are the worst. The way they talk to "the other side", anyone who has a differing opinion.
They are afraid. They've done bad things, bad things to children. Some have been blackmailed and HAVE to be a certain way and I have compassion for them. I just feel so much for everyone involved.
That's why I can't handle libs fkd up rhetoric when talking to people. They have nothing. NONE of them do. And no one can talk to them, because they start freaking out about the cheeto.
Poor sad children.
OK, enough politics. I don't want politics in here much, but I know I will have to soon to explain stuff.
But that will be later.
This is the 33rd day. No coincidences.
January 6, 2021 DAY THIRTY-TWO WEDNESDAY
Wasn't feeling good in the a.m. trying to de-tox all the carbs from 18 days of vacation. Daily vitamins, lemongrass/hibiscus tea, caffeine pill, to get rid of my yucky feeling headache. The pain of sugars and no vitamins is real for me. And the water.
At home I drink water that sits in a copper pot and another carafe filled with shungite rocks. This detoxes my water. The tap water, bottled water and 'filtered' water are filled with chloroform and flouride. I wish not to be asleep. I never drink bottled water. NOT AT ALL. I drank bottled water in Florida.
So 8 days of bottled water. I'll drink tap water before bottle water. But the tap water in Florida was so bad, I had to drink bottled.
I know I'm detoxing mostly from the damn water I was drinking.
My copper/shungite water really helps. I'm never sleepy, ask #MyHusband. He says I get my 2nd wind at 10pm.
I'm literally lethargic and yucky from the toxins I've ingested.
I don't know how people live like this.
People don't know that having indigestion, being tired, lethargic and achy, IS NOT NORMAL.
Having high energy, getting things accomplished, being strong, emotionally and physically is important in life.
Food is medicine.
You ingest crap, you feel like crap. I hate feeling that way. No wonder people go to the doctor so much and swallow pills like a teenager at a rave party. Not like I've done that......
Nobody knows how to take care of their bodies for optimum potential.
I'm highly energized. I get up around 630 or 7 and don't sit down until after dinner.
I run around the house/garden all day, never running out of things to do. I don't turn on the TV until after dinner. I've always been that way.
With kids I was non-stop, then add a grampa and a care giver. I was happy with all that. It's not fun to be high energy with nothing to do. When my kids went to their dad's house every other weekend, it was difficult for me to find things to do because I was so busy with them. Weird how a person can be depressed every other weekend without fail.
I don't do good with nothing to do, I never have been. I learned to find things to do when there wasn't anything to do. My stagnant mind, back then was not good for me.
It's getting to me.....
Covid
Politics
I see people on social media getting tired too. Giving up on fighting evil. I try to give some pep talks. Anyone with doubt. It also helps me.
This is what a told someone today......
"Believe me, I'm tired too.
I've been fighting the gov for over 30 yrs when my kids were getting v,ac,cin,at,ions and it scared me shytless.
I've been called every name in the book, harassed, shadowbanned, suspended, blocked and laughed at.
The past 5 yrs, more so....
But..... I started my craziness BECAUSE of my children and I will fight FOR my children....
Knowing I was right all along, makes me fight harder.
I'm fighting for my life too....
This shyt is big
This shyt is wrong
This shyt needs to end"
People need a shove. Or a word. Or a smile. Knowing you're not alone can help... I try to do that for people.
Wasn't feeling good in the a.m. trying to de-tox all the carbs from 18 days of vacation. Daily vitamins, lemongrass/hibiscus tea, caffeine pill, to get rid of my yucky feeling headache. The pain of sugars and no vitamins is real for me. And the water.
At home I drink water that sits in a copper pot and another carafe filled with shungite rocks. This detoxes my water. The tap water, bottled water and 'filtered' water are filled with chloroform and flouride. I wish not to be asleep. I never drink bottled water. NOT AT ALL. I drank bottled water in Florida.
So 8 days of bottled water. I'll drink tap water before bottle water. But the tap water in Florida was so bad, I had to drink bottled.
I know I'm detoxing mostly from the damn water I was drinking.
My copper/shungite water really helps. I'm never sleepy, ask #MyHusband. He says I get my 2nd wind at 10pm.
I'm literally lethargic and yucky from the toxins I've ingested.
I don't know how people live like this.
People don't know that having indigestion, being tired, lethargic and achy, IS NOT NORMAL.
Having high energy, getting things accomplished, being strong, emotionally and physically is important in life.
Food is medicine.
You ingest crap, you feel like crap. I hate feeling that way. No wonder people go to the doctor so much and swallow pills like a teenager at a rave party. Not like I've done that......
Nobody knows how to take care of their bodies for optimum potential.
I'm highly energized. I get up around 630 or 7 and don't sit down until after dinner.
I run around the house/garden all day, never running out of things to do. I don't turn on the TV until after dinner. I've always been that way.
With kids I was non-stop, then add a grampa and a care giver. I was happy with all that. It's not fun to be high energy with nothing to do. When my kids went to their dad's house every other weekend, it was difficult for me to find things to do because I was so busy with them. Weird how a person can be depressed every other weekend without fail.
I don't do good with nothing to do, I never have been. I learned to find things to do when there wasn't anything to do. My stagnant mind, back then was not good for me.
It's getting to me.....
Covid
Politics
I see people on social media getting tired too. Giving up on fighting evil. I try to give some pep talks. Anyone with doubt. It also helps me.
This is what a told someone today......
"Believe me, I'm tired too.
I've been fighting the gov for over 30 yrs when my kids were getting v,ac,cin,at,ions and it scared me shytless.
I've been called every name in the book, harassed, shadowbanned, suspended, blocked and laughed at.
The past 5 yrs, more so....
But..... I started my craziness BECAUSE of my children and I will fight FOR my children....
Knowing I was right all along, makes me fight harder.
I'm fighting for my life too....
This shyt is big
This shyt is wrong
This shyt needs to end"
People need a shove. Or a word. Or a smile. Knowing you're not alone can help... I try to do that for people.
January 5, 2021 DAY THIRTY- ONE TUESDAY
I make traditions not resolutions.
I never really have made resolutions as an adult.
I know human nature.
You have to really want something to change your life and if you can't change right now, right when you think about it, then a "New Years Resolution" isn't for you.
#MyHusband was watching Planes, Trains and Automobiles and there was a part where a guy was at a hotel and took out a picture of his wife and set it on the beside table.
I knew this was going to be my tradition starting this year and for forever.
I travel without #MyHusband sometimes and miss his broke back wisdom.
It's perfect for me!
Showing people that I love them is important, and I'm working on doing that more, but little things surrounding me and reminding me of memories and people, gives me happiness.
Carrying a framed picture in my luggage all the time is quirky and uplifting.
When I travel, I'll have him with me, my bestest memories wrapped in one picture.
Objects are my memories.
I choose happy all around me, why not when I'm traveling?
My entire house is surrounded by objects full of memories, from all aspects, seasons and decades of my life and my entire families' lives.
Pictures on a corkboard above my desk, gramma's brush and mirror, my baby shoes, my dad's baby shoes, my uncle's toddler made spoon holder, my gramma's mixing bowls, my mom's shells, grampa's tools and letters to gramma, my mom's signed Johnny Cash albums, my dad's baby spoons and so much more.
They are sprinkled everywhere.
Wherever I look, I see good times, happy times, family times.
I want to see all my treasures, everyday.
A tribute to the people who brought me to this time of my life.
Appreciating life, loving life, grateful for life.
I got here through good, true loving people.
I do not judge them, but thank them by thinking of them.
Honoring my people.
I make traditions not resolutions.
I never really have made resolutions as an adult.
I know human nature.
You have to really want something to change your life and if you can't change right now, right when you think about it, then a "New Years Resolution" isn't for you.
#MyHusband was watching Planes, Trains and Automobiles and there was a part where a guy was at a hotel and took out a picture of his wife and set it on the beside table.
I knew this was going to be my tradition starting this year and for forever.
I travel without #MyHusband sometimes and miss his broke back wisdom.
It's perfect for me!
Showing people that I love them is important, and I'm working on doing that more, but little things surrounding me and reminding me of memories and people, gives me happiness.
Carrying a framed picture in my luggage all the time is quirky and uplifting.
When I travel, I'll have him with me, my bestest memories wrapped in one picture.
Objects are my memories.
I choose happy all around me, why not when I'm traveling?
My entire house is surrounded by objects full of memories, from all aspects, seasons and decades of my life and my entire families' lives.
Pictures on a corkboard above my desk, gramma's brush and mirror, my baby shoes, my dad's baby shoes, my uncle's toddler made spoon holder, my gramma's mixing bowls, my mom's shells, grampa's tools and letters to gramma, my mom's signed Johnny Cash albums, my dad's baby spoons and so much more.
They are sprinkled everywhere.
Wherever I look, I see good times, happy times, family times.
I want to see all my treasures, everyday.
A tribute to the people who brought me to this time of my life.
Appreciating life, loving life, grateful for life.
I got here through good, true loving people.
I do not judge them, but thank them by thinking of them.
Honoring my people.
January 4, 2021 DAY THIRTY MONDAY
Uggghhhh. I felt like crap waking up today.
I was going to work a little today, but I didn't have many invoices.
I decided not to work at all and work on Friday, if I have to.
My head ached and I was tired. Our new bed is horrible and we ate like crap on our vacation.
And I didn't take my vitamins.
I should know better, but when I'm out of my space, everything gets disrupted. Especially now. It feels like I forgot how to travel.
I hate being like this. Getting all my vitamins back in my body and stopping the major carbs really takes a toll on me. This is why MyHusband and I are very healthy. We are super aware of how our bodies feel and why.
I feel sorry for people who live an unhealthy lifestyle. They are missing so much. I couldn't handle feeling like this all the time.
After about 3 or 4 days of my natural ways, I feel superb. I have so much energy and accomplish so much.
I did it really bad this time tho, so it might take longer to get back to good.
MyHusband is feeling awful too, besides the broke back.
I feel like a marshmallow fluffy snuffleupagus.
There was a small moment of snow here, when we were gone and my plumerias were fine! I planted 2 in the back yard and have covered them with this plant jacket thingy, all winter. I have accidentally killed plumerias because of the Texas "freeze".
We don't know when or if it will happen, but it is deadly - to my plants. I want to try to acclimate my plumerias for outside or see if the jacket will protect it. So far, it works. My plants are my babies, my family, my heart. Especially my plumerias. I've had some of them over 14 year.
If something happens to them, I will mourn.
Mourn BAD!
MyHusband knows this!! The first time he mowed my lawn, (no, that is not code for anything else) he destroyed some flowers, like a dinosaur, trampling the jungle. Yes, I envision that scene every time the lawn mower runs..... even now.
He did not know they were flowers, but my heart gets so sad and I get angry because they are people too!!! Most of them have names.
I nurture them, I take care of them, I feed and water them, I talk to them, I sing to them. They are my children.
I bring my plants inside the house every winter. From October 31 through March 20th or so.
It used to be March 5th for years.
I took out my plants already, knowing nothing would happen.... but on March 17, 2014 when we had to immediately go to Colorado for T's dad's funeral, it did. A FREEZE. A couple of my plumerias died and I was crushed.
That was a traumatic trip..... We were at his funeral and I lost my plumerias and Jenna GSP Jameson died.
She was my tea cup yorkie.
Uggghhhh. I felt like crap waking up today.
I was going to work a little today, but I didn't have many invoices.
I decided not to work at all and work on Friday, if I have to.
My head ached and I was tired. Our new bed is horrible and we ate like crap on our vacation.
And I didn't take my vitamins.
I should know better, but when I'm out of my space, everything gets disrupted. Especially now. It feels like I forgot how to travel.
I hate being like this. Getting all my vitamins back in my body and stopping the major carbs really takes a toll on me. This is why MyHusband and I are very healthy. We are super aware of how our bodies feel and why.
I feel sorry for people who live an unhealthy lifestyle. They are missing so much. I couldn't handle feeling like this all the time.
After about 3 or 4 days of my natural ways, I feel superb. I have so much energy and accomplish so much.
I did it really bad this time tho, so it might take longer to get back to good.
MyHusband is feeling awful too, besides the broke back.
I feel like a marshmallow fluffy snuffleupagus.
There was a small moment of snow here, when we were gone and my plumerias were fine! I planted 2 in the back yard and have covered them with this plant jacket thingy, all winter. I have accidentally killed plumerias because of the Texas "freeze".
We don't know when or if it will happen, but it is deadly - to my plants. I want to try to acclimate my plumerias for outside or see if the jacket will protect it. So far, it works. My plants are my babies, my family, my heart. Especially my plumerias. I've had some of them over 14 year.
If something happens to them, I will mourn.
Mourn BAD!
MyHusband knows this!! The first time he mowed my lawn, (no, that is not code for anything else) he destroyed some flowers, like a dinosaur, trampling the jungle. Yes, I envision that scene every time the lawn mower runs..... even now.
He did not know they were flowers, but my heart gets so sad and I get angry because they are people too!!! Most of them have names.
I nurture them, I take care of them, I feed and water them, I talk to them, I sing to them. They are my children.
I bring my plants inside the house every winter. From October 31 through March 20th or so.
It used to be March 5th for years.
I took out my plants already, knowing nothing would happen.... but on March 17, 2014 when we had to immediately go to Colorado for T's dad's funeral, it did. A FREEZE. A couple of my plumerias died and I was crushed.
That was a traumatic trip..... We were at his funeral and I lost my plumerias and Jenna GSP Jameson died.
She was my tea cup yorkie.
January 3, 2021 DAY TWENTY-NINE SUNDAY
Long distance driving is tough when you're old. The body aches. Thank God we were driving only 5.5 more hours today.
Broke back husband was hating life. This was putting a nail in the coffin for NO FUTURE driving trips. 12 hours was long though. So, Orange Beach is the next US destination. Being only 8.5 hours away with the EXACT same white sand and turqoise water, made it a little more achievable, even for me, with my own broke body.
Once you go white, you don't want the brown. I'm talking about sand, bitches. Jeesh, I'm going to have some hurt bastard whining about my "racism". LOLOLOLOL
I would like to make all get aways, "white sand" get aways.
I love the driving, the music, the bridges, the TREES! I'm all about all trees. I couldn't believe all the pine trees. Once you hit East Texas, it's all pine trees. You're driving in the middle of a huge forest. You can't see through the trees, they were so thick, on most of the drive. And I was in 4 states. Texas, Louisiana, Alabama, Florida.
I wonder who lives in those trees? There must be SO many gypsy camps and shyt in there!!
And scary things in there!
And the SWAMPS! and the bridges OVER the swamps!
And the crocs and alli's I always try to look for in the swamps while I'm on the bridges. I haven't seen one yet. I want to. I want to wrestle a crocodiles or alligators. For as much as I like them, I hardly have seen any with my own eyes. I see some swamp tours in my future..... there better be, I've been wanting to go since I moved here.
There are so many bridges, along with the longest bridge in the US.
23.83 miles long
Lake Pontchartrain Causeway.
Not only that... it's 2 bridges!
That blows my mind! Who in the heck built those bridges? In the water? How does that happen?
My ex husband's, grandfather built the Pacific Bell telephone lines from San Diego to Yuma, AZ. Maybe even further than that. Those mountains just before the desert, headed west, are huge. With huge boulders. Trips me out thinking about that all the time and how they did that. Blowing shyt up. I asked him questions about it. Unfortunately, I don't remember all he said.
My uncle(R), my dad's(R1) sister's(J) husband, made the Alaskan pipeline. He was in Alaska for a long time, while his family stayed in El Cajon. And he made a butt load of money. My aunt J died in 2020. I loved them. Great memories at their beautiful house. I've asked my uncle about those Alaskan times. I'd like to ask him more questions. I think he'd like that.
It takes some smart, brave, strong groups of people to make our lives easier. To impact the world, like that.
These are some of my personal hero's.
I will always remember them. Do many people remember them like should be remembered?
-----------------
It hits me fast.
It hits me hard.
My throat gets thick, my face gets ugly.
EVERYWHERE SHE IS THERE.
I miss talking to her. The person who knew me, who loved the people I loved, who appreciated my life because my life was her life. Songs, moments, memories -- she is in all of them, so I can't stop thinking about her. My memories are her memories, but I have no one to tell the memories or to listen to memories that included me. Funny memories. Never bad.
She loved John Denver, the Eagles. This was our music because of camping and traveling. She loved those songs more than I did and she would sing them to me, and I could take it or leave it, but now I cherish those songs, I want to listen to those songs every day.
Long distance driving is tough when you're old. The body aches. Thank God we were driving only 5.5 more hours today.
Broke back husband was hating life. This was putting a nail in the coffin for NO FUTURE driving trips. 12 hours was long though. So, Orange Beach is the next US destination. Being only 8.5 hours away with the EXACT same white sand and turqoise water, made it a little more achievable, even for me, with my own broke body.
Once you go white, you don't want the brown. I'm talking about sand, bitches. Jeesh, I'm going to have some hurt bastard whining about my "racism". LOLOLOLOL
I would like to make all get aways, "white sand" get aways.
I love the driving, the music, the bridges, the TREES! I'm all about all trees. I couldn't believe all the pine trees. Once you hit East Texas, it's all pine trees. You're driving in the middle of a huge forest. You can't see through the trees, they were so thick, on most of the drive. And I was in 4 states. Texas, Louisiana, Alabama, Florida.
I wonder who lives in those trees? There must be SO many gypsy camps and shyt in there!!
And scary things in there!
And the SWAMPS! and the bridges OVER the swamps!
And the crocs and alli's I always try to look for in the swamps while I'm on the bridges. I haven't seen one yet. I want to. I want to wrestle a crocodiles or alligators. For as much as I like them, I hardly have seen any with my own eyes. I see some swamp tours in my future..... there better be, I've been wanting to go since I moved here.
There are so many bridges, along with the longest bridge in the US.
23.83 miles long
Lake Pontchartrain Causeway.
Not only that... it's 2 bridges!
That blows my mind! Who in the heck built those bridges? In the water? How does that happen?
My ex husband's, grandfather built the Pacific Bell telephone lines from San Diego to Yuma, AZ. Maybe even further than that. Those mountains just before the desert, headed west, are huge. With huge boulders. Trips me out thinking about that all the time and how they did that. Blowing shyt up. I asked him questions about it. Unfortunately, I don't remember all he said.
My uncle(R), my dad's(R1) sister's(J) husband, made the Alaskan pipeline. He was in Alaska for a long time, while his family stayed in El Cajon. And he made a butt load of money. My aunt J died in 2020. I loved them. Great memories at their beautiful house. I've asked my uncle about those Alaskan times. I'd like to ask him more questions. I think he'd like that.
It takes some smart, brave, strong groups of people to make our lives easier. To impact the world, like that.
These are some of my personal hero's.
I will always remember them. Do many people remember them like should be remembered?
-----------------
It hits me fast.
It hits me hard.
My throat gets thick, my face gets ugly.
EVERYWHERE SHE IS THERE.
I miss talking to her. The person who knew me, who loved the people I loved, who appreciated my life because my life was her life. Songs, moments, memories -- she is in all of them, so I can't stop thinking about her. My memories are her memories, but I have no one to tell the memories or to listen to memories that included me. Funny memories. Never bad.
She loved John Denver, the Eagles. This was our music because of camping and traveling. She loved those songs more than I did and she would sing them to me, and I could take it or leave it, but now I cherish those songs, I want to listen to those songs every day.
January 2, 2021 DAY TWENTY-EIGHT SATURDAY
Leaving Destin.
Up early with my broke back husband.
It takes 12 hours to get home. I'm driving the entire way with a overnight break in Baton Rouge. Not only does T's back hurt, he hates driving. Ugh, I remember my back hurting when I had the Coronamsmbs. I couldn't move for 2 weeks. That was right before anyone knew what IT was.
T didn't leave the condo for 3 days. We had rain for those 3 days.
He went to dinner and a walk. LOL - it cracks me up!!
One day soon we will have a normal vaca.
I took family vacations regularly when I was little, until I left home.
After graduation I went on a 2 week European backpacking adventure with my bestest friend after high school graduation.
There were years I never went anywhere in my kid days. When I had a day off, I took the girls places. I always did "daddy" stuff with them and tried to teach them "daddy" things. I took them camping or Disneyland or the beach. To see my mom in New Mexico, river rafting, air/wine balloon festivals and concerts.
I was by myself quite often, so I did everything with them. Then I had grampa to take care of.
I never really had a regular vacation spot, let alone have enough money and go somewhere by myself.
I, inexpensively, went to Hawaii in 2003 with a bunch of girlfriends. This was about the time when #1 was old enough to babysit sometimes and I found friends, new ones and old ones, thanks to my cousin. I kind of had a 2nd wind of lifetime drunky fun in this era.
J (my mom's friends daughter I had known for years) and I would go out and have some good drinky times and weekend trips. In fact, she used to live in Japan and had a love for asian items. That started my love. She bought me purple jade earrings and necklace, which I still have, and since then, all my houses have been adorned with asian artifacts/pieces I have collected or made, for over twenty years.
I started going away once or twice a year when I started taking care of grampa. Never out of the country but just to get away.
To say, now, that I have certain back packs/luggage for traveling filled with vacation clothes and personal items, is a long way from the ditch I felt I was trapped in. It was all worth it.
At this time, I feel very blessed and grateful that I get to go on vacation and see the world, wherever I want and with my bestest friend ever.
Working hard and being a good person and helping people was my path to a good life and being happy. You give good karma, you get good karma.
Some people travel before their family/kid lives start, but traveling after experiencing family/kid life, is the way I did it.
I like it this way. At 54, I am WAY more confident wherever I go -- wise and experienced.
When I went to Europe, I was 18... I knew nothing. I was immature. I didn't appreciate things as much as I do now. We had crazy fun irresponsible drunken crazy fun spontaneous memories, as 18 year olds lost in Europe, but, I know more about the countries now than when I traveled to them then.
I have more appreciation for moments, with my experienced decades of REAL life.
Leaving Destin.
Up early with my broke back husband.
It takes 12 hours to get home. I'm driving the entire way with a overnight break in Baton Rouge. Not only does T's back hurt, he hates driving. Ugh, I remember my back hurting when I had the Coronamsmbs. I couldn't move for 2 weeks. That was right before anyone knew what IT was.
T didn't leave the condo for 3 days. We had rain for those 3 days.
He went to dinner and a walk. LOL - it cracks me up!!
One day soon we will have a normal vaca.
I took family vacations regularly when I was little, until I left home.
After graduation I went on a 2 week European backpacking adventure with my bestest friend after high school graduation.
There were years I never went anywhere in my kid days. When I had a day off, I took the girls places. I always did "daddy" stuff with them and tried to teach them "daddy" things. I took them camping or Disneyland or the beach. To see my mom in New Mexico, river rafting, air/wine balloon festivals and concerts.
I was by myself quite often, so I did everything with them. Then I had grampa to take care of.
I never really had a regular vacation spot, let alone have enough money and go somewhere by myself.
I, inexpensively, went to Hawaii in 2003 with a bunch of girlfriends. This was about the time when #1 was old enough to babysit sometimes and I found friends, new ones and old ones, thanks to my cousin. I kind of had a 2nd wind of lifetime drunky fun in this era.
J (my mom's friends daughter I had known for years) and I would go out and have some good drinky times and weekend trips. In fact, she used to live in Japan and had a love for asian items. That started my love. She bought me purple jade earrings and necklace, which I still have, and since then, all my houses have been adorned with asian artifacts/pieces I have collected or made, for over twenty years.
I started going away once or twice a year when I started taking care of grampa. Never out of the country but just to get away.
To say, now, that I have certain back packs/luggage for traveling filled with vacation clothes and personal items, is a long way from the ditch I felt I was trapped in. It was all worth it.
At this time, I feel very blessed and grateful that I get to go on vacation and see the world, wherever I want and with my bestest friend ever.
Working hard and being a good person and helping people was my path to a good life and being happy. You give good karma, you get good karma.
Some people travel before their family/kid lives start, but traveling after experiencing family/kid life, is the way I did it.
I like it this way. At 54, I am WAY more confident wherever I go -- wise and experienced.
When I went to Europe, I was 18... I knew nothing. I was immature. I didn't appreciate things as much as I do now. We had crazy fun irresponsible drunken crazy fun spontaneous memories, as 18 year olds lost in Europe, but, I know more about the countries now than when I traveled to them then.
I have more appreciation for moments, with my experienced decades of REAL life.
January 1, 2021 DAY TWENTY-SEVEN FRIDAY
Happy New Year, Bitches!
And it's #3's birthday.
What a great date for a birthday!
For her very first birthday, we went to the Rose Parade and EVERYONE, hanging out on the street, sang happy birthday to her. The fragrant parade floats were very memorable. It's hard to believe everything on them is/was a living thing. C & T loved the experience. It was tough staying up all night with a toddler and baby in the cold, but way worth it.
T has turned into a great mother. She went through some rough spots, but we all do.
We talk every day. Sometimes 2, 3, or 4 times.
#MyHusband calls it the T report. We discuss everything. I'm grateful.
This has helped me to quell some daily W phone time and transfer it to T.
I see her and my relationship almost like me and my mom, C.
I called C for everything. If something was wrong with the kids or I or grampa, C would be the first one I'd call. She was the smartest person I knew. I learned my doctoring from her. I couldn't afford doctors and medicines, so I learned it myself. She helped me with everything. She had a great knowledge of dentistry too.
Using my knowledge, I help her.
I don't talk to my grandbabies as much as I talk to her.
She's so caring and sharing and funny as hell. She helps people even when she shouldn't.
And when she loves, she loves great and fierce.
She's a great worker. When she was pregnant, she worked all the time AND overtime.
Some co-workers have been jealous, in the service industry and hair salons.
She has a full-time job at home, takes care of a household, home schools an almost 10 year old, makes food and uses cloth diapers for her baby boy, gardens and is a mommy of a dog and cat.
I love her heart.
She has a great man in her life, that I absolutely enjoy! A good honest man.
No matter how old our children are, we will always worry about them.
I couldn't wait until they were 18 and not my problem anymore, but it only gets worse from there.
There was a time I couldn't stop worrying about them. I worried about them for decades, I couldn't just turn it off. They were my friends also. Every minute was a minute thinking about them and what they wanted or needed.
When they left I couldn't think about anything else. When #1 went to college, I still had a houseful, including grampa. We were lucky we went to see her all the time.
After #3 went to college, the I anxiety I felt when the phone rang, thinking it was one of the girls telling me something was wrong or they were crying because something was wrong.
That first "hello" from them, let's me know ..... I do this even now.
#1 has grown out of calling her mommy. I do wish she would, but I think of myself at that age and I understand.
Even now, when T calls me every day, I have to hear the "hello" to tell me everything is good.
I have had each one of them call and all I hear is crying.
It's not a good feeling.
Happy 29th year, baby girl!
Mommy loves you.
Raining in Destin, but on our first sunset of 2021 and our last vaca day, the sun came out to take pictures with us.
Happy New Year, Bitches!
And it's #3's birthday.
What a great date for a birthday!
For her very first birthday, we went to the Rose Parade and EVERYONE, hanging out on the street, sang happy birthday to her. The fragrant parade floats were very memorable. It's hard to believe everything on them is/was a living thing. C & T loved the experience. It was tough staying up all night with a toddler and baby in the cold, but way worth it.
T has turned into a great mother. She went through some rough spots, but we all do.
We talk every day. Sometimes 2, 3, or 4 times.
#MyHusband calls it the T report. We discuss everything. I'm grateful.
This has helped me to quell some daily W phone time and transfer it to T.
I see her and my relationship almost like me and my mom, C.
I called C for everything. If something was wrong with the kids or I or grampa, C would be the first one I'd call. She was the smartest person I knew. I learned my doctoring from her. I couldn't afford doctors and medicines, so I learned it myself. She helped me with everything. She had a great knowledge of dentistry too.
Using my knowledge, I help her.
I don't talk to my grandbabies as much as I talk to her.
She's so caring and sharing and funny as hell. She helps people even when she shouldn't.
And when she loves, she loves great and fierce.
She's a great worker. When she was pregnant, she worked all the time AND overtime.
Some co-workers have been jealous, in the service industry and hair salons.
She has a full-time job at home, takes care of a household, home schools an almost 10 year old, makes food and uses cloth diapers for her baby boy, gardens and is a mommy of a dog and cat.
I love her heart.
She has a great man in her life, that I absolutely enjoy! A good honest man.
No matter how old our children are, we will always worry about them.
I couldn't wait until they were 18 and not my problem anymore, but it only gets worse from there.
There was a time I couldn't stop worrying about them. I worried about them for decades, I couldn't just turn it off. They were my friends also. Every minute was a minute thinking about them and what they wanted or needed.
When they left I couldn't think about anything else. When #1 went to college, I still had a houseful, including grampa. We were lucky we went to see her all the time.
After #3 went to college, the I anxiety I felt when the phone rang, thinking it was one of the girls telling me something was wrong or they were crying because something was wrong.
That first "hello" from them, let's me know ..... I do this even now.
#1 has grown out of calling her mommy. I do wish she would, but I think of myself at that age and I understand.
Even now, when T calls me every day, I have to hear the "hello" to tell me everything is good.
I have had each one of them call and all I hear is crying.
It's not a good feeling.
Happy 29th year, baby girl!
Mommy loves you.
Raining in Destin, but on our first sunset of 2021 and our last vaca day, the sun came out to take pictures with us.
December 31, 2020 DAY TWENTY-SIX THURSDAY
Rain on New Years Eve day. The "typical bad luck for 2020".
My 2020 was great except for a couple things. 2020 did not hamper my style one bit. I thank God for the 'extra' time I spent with my mini me's and my mini mini me's and #MyHusband and my #boy.
#2 had my first boy baby. I got to spend a lot of time in Jackson Hole and Dubois to be with them.
After 9 months of renting (which was the biggest nightmare of my life), I finally bought a house. I adore the shyt outta my house! It's like I've lived here before. It knows me!! Everything was so easy, the moment we saw it, we knew it was the one. (I searched and looked at MANY, for months)
Re-decorating/painting my house has been amazing for my crafty interior design self, that I never knew I was, but...... I think I knew her 15-20 years ago!
I rocked in the farmer Deb stuff too. Farmer T loved it. I grew 77 loofah sponges. The year of the dragon loofa.
T, M & E came to visit, M stayed then I took M back to T's new state/new house and had fun there.
Covidshambsfkdbs cancelled our trip to Mexico and a hurricane cancelled our trip to Orange Beach. Our replacement vaca rained THE ENTIRE TIME, with no wi-fi and not very good tv, which, made us stay still and just BE.
Finally going to Destin for Christmas/NewYears, which I knew was going to be half sunny/half stormy - we were desperate! It turned out to be a blessing because #MyHusband was broke back mountain and shyt. We are so used to going to the Caribbean for our vacations, I'm grateful we tried something US and something new.
I didn't stop work, because I was essential. I haven't worn a mask.
I got covidflumsmff, which sucked and left me with a constant lousy aching back.
And W died........ More devastating to my 2020 and ENTIRE life, than covidflumsmff will ever be.
I am, what I MAKE me be. I will always take everything bad in my life and find a good. EVERYTHING!!
The positive I eventually find, might take me a while, but I keep searching until I get it. It has always been my goal to every problem. I'm never sad, mad or angry for long, because it doesn't do me any good or get me anywhere and/or feeling those for long wasn't allowed with all the responsibility I had. 3 girls, 3 jobs, a grampa, a helper and 2 houses. If I didn't do it, no one did. I learned how to take care of my grampa's house, then in Texas my house, for 15 years. I didn't have money to hire anyone, so I learned myself.
I have had to search for positivity because negativity wasn't going to get shyt done. My life was once so full of bad 24/7. It seemed at every turn something happened to me or I was getting myself out of one hole or another. I would wish for a day with absolutely no fires to put out or bailing water from my boat. Paying Peter to pay Paul because I'd rather be with my girls, than rich and never seeing them and bribing them with cars and cash.
My year was a great success.
Monetarily and otherwise.
I have no debt.
I love #MyHusband.
I love all my family and friends
I have no hate in my life.
I have no drama.
I love myself.
Rain on New Years Eve day. The "typical bad luck for 2020".
My 2020 was great except for a couple things. 2020 did not hamper my style one bit. I thank God for the 'extra' time I spent with my mini me's and my mini mini me's and #MyHusband and my #boy.
#2 had my first boy baby. I got to spend a lot of time in Jackson Hole and Dubois to be with them.
After 9 months of renting (which was the biggest nightmare of my life), I finally bought a house. I adore the shyt outta my house! It's like I've lived here before. It knows me!! Everything was so easy, the moment we saw it, we knew it was the one. (I searched and looked at MANY, for months)
Re-decorating/painting my house has been amazing for my crafty interior design self, that I never knew I was, but...... I think I knew her 15-20 years ago!
I rocked in the farmer Deb stuff too. Farmer T loved it. I grew 77 loofah sponges. The year of the dragon loofa.
T, M & E came to visit, M stayed then I took M back to T's new state/new house and had fun there.
Covidshambsfkdbs cancelled our trip to Mexico and a hurricane cancelled our trip to Orange Beach. Our replacement vaca rained THE ENTIRE TIME, with no wi-fi and not very good tv, which, made us stay still and just BE.
Finally going to Destin for Christmas/NewYears, which I knew was going to be half sunny/half stormy - we were desperate! It turned out to be a blessing because #MyHusband was broke back mountain and shyt. We are so used to going to the Caribbean for our vacations, I'm grateful we tried something US and something new.
I didn't stop work, because I was essential. I haven't worn a mask.
I got covidflumsmff, which sucked and left me with a constant lousy aching back.
And W died........ More devastating to my 2020 and ENTIRE life, than covidflumsmff will ever be.
I am, what I MAKE me be. I will always take everything bad in my life and find a good. EVERYTHING!!
The positive I eventually find, might take me a while, but I keep searching until I get it. It has always been my goal to every problem. I'm never sad, mad or angry for long, because it doesn't do me any good or get me anywhere and/or feeling those for long wasn't allowed with all the responsibility I had. 3 girls, 3 jobs, a grampa, a helper and 2 houses. If I didn't do it, no one did. I learned how to take care of my grampa's house, then in Texas my house, for 15 years. I didn't have money to hire anyone, so I learned myself.
I have had to search for positivity because negativity wasn't going to get shyt done. My life was once so full of bad 24/7. It seemed at every turn something happened to me or I was getting myself out of one hole or another. I would wish for a day with absolutely no fires to put out or bailing water from my boat. Paying Peter to pay Paul because I'd rather be with my girls, than rich and never seeing them and bribing them with cars and cash.
My year was a great success.
Monetarily and otherwise.
I have no debt.
I love #MyHusband.
I love all my family and friends
I have no hate in my life.
I have no drama.
I love myself.
December 30, 2020 DAY TWENTY-FIVE WEDNESDAY
Waking up to a white beach sunrise is perfection.
Besides T crying like a baby because of a bad back, we managed to get a comfy couch on the beach. I figured out why T had a hurt back because I had to move back the couch he moved over the day before!!!!! I foretold that one!!!
We went on a long walk yesterday, which enhanced the bad back situation.
We have a need to walk the beach constantly, but after yesterday, we both just sat. The beach is quite tilted. Walking hurt my old lady hips. We had walked about 4 miles of the coast line while I was picking up shells and driftwood. Talk about breaking a back. Uggghhhh. Our walk screwed up his back and my back, real good!
There are huge, thick pieces of sand dollars everywhere. I wish I could find a sand dollar that big. Nothing whole until T could see them in the break. Found a lot of great shells for my chimes. T can see anything!!!! He sees animals behind the trees and animals in the waves.
Going to the beach is always a scavenger hunt for me. TO FIND THE ULTIMATE SHELL,
THAT IS THE GOAL!
T manages to find all my awesome shells. And I seem too find the tiny tiny ones.
But today, I did find the ultimate tiny WHOLE sand dollar. SO tiny.
Perfection! I haven't found such a gem in a while.
I'm a collector of shells. It used to be ONLY whole shells, but just recently began collecting broken ones as well.
Broken things deserve a 2nd chance at life, at being beautiful.
My mom collected shells wherever she went. And rocks. And more!!!! I inherited her love of shells, rocks and old things. Literally and physically. All her shells ---- making several shell curtains and chimes.
I got a lot of shells this trip and found my goal.
Beaching it all day..... chilly but sunny and gorgeous
Waking up to a white beach sunrise is perfection.
Besides T crying like a baby because of a bad back, we managed to get a comfy couch on the beach. I figured out why T had a hurt back because I had to move back the couch he moved over the day before!!!!! I foretold that one!!!
We went on a long walk yesterday, which enhanced the bad back situation.
We have a need to walk the beach constantly, but after yesterday, we both just sat. The beach is quite tilted. Walking hurt my old lady hips. We had walked about 4 miles of the coast line while I was picking up shells and driftwood. Talk about breaking a back. Uggghhhh. Our walk screwed up his back and my back, real good!
There are huge, thick pieces of sand dollars everywhere. I wish I could find a sand dollar that big. Nothing whole until T could see them in the break. Found a lot of great shells for my chimes. T can see anything!!!! He sees animals behind the trees and animals in the waves.
Going to the beach is always a scavenger hunt for me. TO FIND THE ULTIMATE SHELL,
THAT IS THE GOAL!
T manages to find all my awesome shells. And I seem too find the tiny tiny ones.
But today, I did find the ultimate tiny WHOLE sand dollar. SO tiny.
Perfection! I haven't found such a gem in a while.
I'm a collector of shells. It used to be ONLY whole shells, but just recently began collecting broken ones as well.
Broken things deserve a 2nd chance at life, at being beautiful.
My mom collected shells wherever she went. And rocks. And more!!!! I inherited her love of shells, rocks and old things. Literally and physically. All her shells ---- making several shell curtains and chimes.
I got a lot of shells this trip and found my goal.
Beaching it all day..... chilly but sunny and gorgeous
December 29, 2020 DAY TWENTY-FOUR TUESDAY
M,T,M,E left early in the morning.
There was so much I wanted to do.
Color with M, make shell chimes with her, talk to her about lying and what a conscious is and shame and pride and mommies and daughters and why mommies get mad a lot. Moms get tired. They sometimes forget things. Moms get busy.
Reminding M to always try to be kind, but stick up for yourself.
I hate the feeling of time slipping by.
I want her to know the things mommies forget to tell their daughters because of all the piddly shyt standing between them.
She needs to know that mommies have feelings so deep, we'll probably never know until we read about it in a diary or that her mothers mother has secrets too. And the sadness of some secrets will give you sadness.
Mommies need love but also they have to understand and acknowledge that daughters need to be respected too.
Mommies have fears and get scared too.
M needs to know these things because I want things to be carried on. The reasons things are done, why things are done.
I want her to know about gramama, papa, grampa & gramma with the beard, grandma S and R, and my real father
I tell her memories of my family times.
It's bizarre - Our memories are ours until we die.
After 5 years being dead only 5 people think of you. I read that somewhere. It's so sad. I don't want my family and our memories to be forgotten.
I keep things that my grampa made because I want it to be kept in the family along with feelings of those times and when I look around my house, I think of the man who made it and the memories we had together. I don't want him forgotten, or his legacy. I have those things because I need that. It keeps me close to my legacy.
All the people close to me and their memories surround me in my home.
I want M to know her legacy and to carry it on. I want to give her the secrets of life, knowing full well we must learn for ourselves.
Said goodbye to #2 at the airport and went straight back.
3 full days of white beach sand and crystal turqoise water is awaiting me.
M,T,M,E left early in the morning.
There was so much I wanted to do.
Color with M, make shell chimes with her, talk to her about lying and what a conscious is and shame and pride and mommies and daughters and why mommies get mad a lot. Moms get tired. They sometimes forget things. Moms get busy.
Reminding M to always try to be kind, but stick up for yourself.
I hate the feeling of time slipping by.
I want her to know the things mommies forget to tell their daughters because of all the piddly shyt standing between them.
She needs to know that mommies have feelings so deep, we'll probably never know until we read about it in a diary or that her mothers mother has secrets too. And the sadness of some secrets will give you sadness.
Mommies need love but also they have to understand and acknowledge that daughters need to be respected too.
Mommies have fears and get scared too.
M needs to know these things because I want things to be carried on. The reasons things are done, why things are done.
I want her to know about gramama, papa, grampa & gramma with the beard, grandma S and R, and my real father
I tell her memories of my family times.
It's bizarre - Our memories are ours until we die.
After 5 years being dead only 5 people think of you. I read that somewhere. It's so sad. I don't want my family and our memories to be forgotten.
I keep things that my grampa made because I want it to be kept in the family along with feelings of those times and when I look around my house, I think of the man who made it and the memories we had together. I don't want him forgotten, or his legacy. I have those things because I need that. It keeps me close to my legacy.
All the people close to me and their memories surround me in my home.
I want M to know her legacy and to carry it on. I want to give her the secrets of life, knowing full well we must learn for ourselves.
Said goodbye to #2 at the airport and went straight back.
3 full days of white beach sand and crystal turqoise water is awaiting me.
December 28, 2020 DAY TWENTY-THREE MONDAY
Went to do some tourist shopping and it made me realize how I don't do the usual touristy shopping. I just want to do nothing but listen to the waves. We usually go to calm water beaches in the Caribbean for clear water snorkeling.
I miss the constant wave sound and the thunderous waves hitting the shore. Watching them puts me in a spell. A sense of calm.
I was raised on the beaches and bays of California and Mexico. The white noise of the ocean is my melatonin. I know it's because of my childhood.
My soul remembers. It rejoices with memories of love and purity.
I could sing, to my soul, of the love I require, at the top of my lungs, with only the sea to hear.
Adventures with family and eating crabs, clams and abalone. Watching cows eating mussels on the beach. Learning how to make tortillas with Henrietta and W. Seeing dune buggies on the moon. Collecting rail road ties, geodes, petrified wood and petrified oysters, all make me happy and calm with self assurance and happiness.
The first times I had to give daddy the girls, on weekends, were spent at the beach. It was always where I headed.
Being in a trance cured my horrible loneliness being childless. I couldn't sit at home. I had no friends. My girls were my friends. My heart hurt.
I would go to Dog Beach and sit. Watching dogs, people and airplanes. All by myself. For hours or minutes. However long I needed it. When I took the kids to the beach, this is where we came. And to think my mother lived so close to that spot. Sometimes, thinking back, maybe I knew my real mother lived there. I'm sure my real father went there often, if I asked. Because we are the same too! How weird.
My soul knows.
They also spent their dating life on the beaches of Mexico and San Diego. I'm sure I was conceived in Mexico.
BUT weird that my true love is with Mexico.
Conceived(lol) then, adopted, spent a lot of time in Mexico, as a child, now as an adult, I truly cannot stand being away.
We were going to move there until covidmsmfakebsplandemic.
My soul knows.
I cried while was writing this. At the time I wrote about my heart hurting without my girls, W and dog beach, being close to my real mother.
W has been a constant in my life. It hurts me sometimes with such a jolt of sadness.
Went to do some tourist shopping and it made me realize how I don't do the usual touristy shopping. I just want to do nothing but listen to the waves. We usually go to calm water beaches in the Caribbean for clear water snorkeling.
I miss the constant wave sound and the thunderous waves hitting the shore. Watching them puts me in a spell. A sense of calm.
I was raised on the beaches and bays of California and Mexico. The white noise of the ocean is my melatonin. I know it's because of my childhood.
My soul remembers. It rejoices with memories of love and purity.
I could sing, to my soul, of the love I require, at the top of my lungs, with only the sea to hear.
Adventures with family and eating crabs, clams and abalone. Watching cows eating mussels on the beach. Learning how to make tortillas with Henrietta and W. Seeing dune buggies on the moon. Collecting rail road ties, geodes, petrified wood and petrified oysters, all make me happy and calm with self assurance and happiness.
The first times I had to give daddy the girls, on weekends, were spent at the beach. It was always where I headed.
Being in a trance cured my horrible loneliness being childless. I couldn't sit at home. I had no friends. My girls were my friends. My heart hurt.
I would go to Dog Beach and sit. Watching dogs, people and airplanes. All by myself. For hours or minutes. However long I needed it. When I took the kids to the beach, this is where we came. And to think my mother lived so close to that spot. Sometimes, thinking back, maybe I knew my real mother lived there. I'm sure my real father went there often, if I asked. Because we are the same too! How weird.
My soul knows.
They also spent their dating life on the beaches of Mexico and San Diego. I'm sure I was conceived in Mexico.
BUT weird that my true love is with Mexico.
Conceived(lol) then, adopted, spent a lot of time in Mexico, as a child, now as an adult, I truly cannot stand being away.
We were going to move there until covidmsmfakebsplandemic.
My soul knows.
I cried while was writing this. At the time I wrote about my heart hurting without my girls, W and dog beach, being close to my real mother.
W has been a constant in my life. It hurts me sometimes with such a jolt of sadness.
December 27, 2020 DAY TWENTY-TWO SUNDAY
It's my baby girl's birthday.
#3 is 22.
My holiday season is so full of life events.
My 2 last children got jipped with the birthdays.
12/27 and 1/1
That's a lot. For present buying and when trying to go somewhere for a child's birthday during Christmas. Everyone was always gone or busy during the Christmas school vacations and everything was always closed on New Years day. I had to be very very inventive!
At least, this year, we woke up in Destin and the sun, waves and white sand from the 14th floor.
And E did too!
And Tor and M and my mini mini me's!!!!!!!
#2 and her clan came to be with us for a couple days.
Being far from babies is not fun, so I had so much fun! Em already knows his MiMi's beautiful irritating voice from snap chat, so there's that!
We spent time on the delicious beach with a gorgeous sunrise, sunset, games, walks and finally a birthday dinner.
The Flo-rida beaches are chilly in the winter, but prefect on the sand of there's lots of sun. Kids love the beach, no matter what tho. They can go in the 64° water, have blue lips for hours and never complain..... until they get out!
I can't stand that cold water. I almost had a heart attack with just my legs in!
#MyHusband was down at the beach all day drinking white russians. He was having a grand 'ol time. He needed it. Time off is essential for him. Even on vacation, his phone is full of messages, calls and emails. Because of the spamcovidfakemsmbs, he's been working hard.
Our vacations have been canceled and or completely fkd up, so his Flo-rida funny drunk times are much needed.
Spending time with E on her birthday is a great thing for me. I didn't always get her, she'd be with her dad.
T and I usually go on far away, long vacations during Christmas break, so this made the guilt of all those times wash away.
She's alone a lot, quite like me when I was her age. I like to be her 'go to' because I didn't have anyone and I know how it feels.
But I also know I can't save her and keep her away from feelings of loneliness.
Loneliness is a good thing.... it makes you feel and plan and DO
It's my baby girl's birthday.
#3 is 22.
My holiday season is so full of life events.
My 2 last children got jipped with the birthdays.
12/27 and 1/1
That's a lot. For present buying and when trying to go somewhere for a child's birthday during Christmas. Everyone was always gone or busy during the Christmas school vacations and everything was always closed on New Years day. I had to be very very inventive!
At least, this year, we woke up in Destin and the sun, waves and white sand from the 14th floor.
And E did too!
And Tor and M and my mini mini me's!!!!!!!
#2 and her clan came to be with us for a couple days.
Being far from babies is not fun, so I had so much fun! Em already knows his MiMi's beautiful irritating voice from snap chat, so there's that!
We spent time on the delicious beach with a gorgeous sunrise, sunset, games, walks and finally a birthday dinner.
The Flo-rida beaches are chilly in the winter, but prefect on the sand of there's lots of sun. Kids love the beach, no matter what tho. They can go in the 64° water, have blue lips for hours and never complain..... until they get out!
I can't stand that cold water. I almost had a heart attack with just my legs in!
#MyHusband was down at the beach all day drinking white russians. He was having a grand 'ol time. He needed it. Time off is essential for him. Even on vacation, his phone is full of messages, calls and emails. Because of the spamcovidfakemsmbs, he's been working hard.
Our vacations have been canceled and or completely fkd up, so his Flo-rida funny drunk times are much needed.
Spending time with E on her birthday is a great thing for me. I didn't always get her, she'd be with her dad.
T and I usually go on far away, long vacations during Christmas break, so this made the guilt of all those times wash away.
She's alone a lot, quite like me when I was her age. I like to be her 'go to' because I didn't have anyone and I know how it feels.
But I also know I can't save her and keep her away from feelings of loneliness.
Loneliness is a good thing.... it makes you feel and plan and DO
December 26, 2020 DAY TWENTY-ONE SATURDAY
Sometimes, it's upsetting to me, how time goes by so fast. Especially when on vacation and/or with family. The days seem like only minutes.
Yesterday, E, T and me started our driving trek at 6am. At 9, we spent the morning, in Houston, with C and S opening gifts and me, just breathing in all the moments and cherishing. We only had 45 minutes! We accidentally stayed longer.
We haven't seen each other since the bs/fear factor/msm/pandemic started. Just an evil way to keep families apart --- and it's working!
ANYWAYS, we had a lot to say on Christmas morning.
I already wrote about my love for road trips, so I was eager to drive to Destin. We've never been to Flo-rida.
We learned about the longest bridges in the US as we were driving on the longest one. We learned about trees and swamps and states. #MyHusband hates road trips. I was trying to teach him how to like them.
We were going to stop for the night, somewhere on the fly because great things happen when I do. And it did.
I found a sleepy little town on the coast in MISSISSIPPI. Long Beach, Mississippi.
A hotel right on the beach. We got there right at sunset. Ohhhhhhh, the white sand!!!
It looks even white than most places in the Caribbean, so yes, I was happy.
At 44° tho, I was dying.
So........ don't plan ahead! My bestest places I stay at, are spur of the moment.
It's hard to do with children, and I thought it would be stressful, so I got out of the habit, but it's so worth it.
I accidentally did it when I drove to see W in Omaha, because I left Austin so fast, but it worked out and the memories of all the great travel hotels I had in the past made me realize, this is my time. I can do my life how I want.
I want some of my spontaneity I lost while i was raising children. Time to gain it back
Sometimes, it's upsetting to me, how time goes by so fast. Especially when on vacation and/or with family. The days seem like only minutes.
Yesterday, E, T and me started our driving trek at 6am. At 9, we spent the morning, in Houston, with C and S opening gifts and me, just breathing in all the moments and cherishing. We only had 45 minutes! We accidentally stayed longer.
We haven't seen each other since the bs/fear factor/msm/pandemic started. Just an evil way to keep families apart --- and it's working!
ANYWAYS, we had a lot to say on Christmas morning.
I already wrote about my love for road trips, so I was eager to drive to Destin. We've never been to Flo-rida.
We learned about the longest bridges in the US as we were driving on the longest one. We learned about trees and swamps and states. #MyHusband hates road trips. I was trying to teach him how to like them.
We were going to stop for the night, somewhere on the fly because great things happen when I do. And it did.
I found a sleepy little town on the coast in MISSISSIPPI. Long Beach, Mississippi.
A hotel right on the beach. We got there right at sunset. Ohhhhhhh, the white sand!!!
It looks even white than most places in the Caribbean, so yes, I was happy.
At 44° tho, I was dying.
So........ don't plan ahead! My bestest places I stay at, are spur of the moment.
It's hard to do with children, and I thought it would be stressful, so I got out of the habit, but it's so worth it.
I accidentally did it when I drove to see W in Omaha, because I left Austin so fast, but it worked out and the memories of all the great travel hotels I had in the past made me realize, this is my time. I can do my life how I want.
I want some of my spontaneity I lost while i was raising children. Time to gain it back
December 25, 2020 DAY TWENTY FRIDAY
I get to see my girls for Christmas. Not at the same time, but I'll take it.
When my girls were 10, they each signed a contract swearing they wouldn't leave me, because.... BABIES!! But they aren't quite adhering to that agreement. They think it's null and void because of their age at the time.
I LOVE BABIES.
I had #1 and the first thing I thought when we changed her first little diaper at home was "I can't wait for HER babies". In fact, I remember telling M, "this baby's vagina is going to give me grand babies". Yes, that is my twisted mind.
Seeing my children makes me happy, and seeing my mini mini me's excite me, but also makes me think of how my mom, C, felt when she saw my kids. Her eyes always lit up.
Any chance I get I want to see them my kids. They love it but probably could take it or leave it.... that's normal.
I think of my self at their ages and I know I had other things to do. At age 28 and 30, I was so busy with 2 kids, by myself and working 2 part time jobs. I couldn't even think straight. Working pay check to pay check, finding a way to make ends meet, spending all my free time with them.
At 22, having fun and trying to go to work while still drunk.
I didn't think of my mother as much as I should have. Ask her the questions I should have, tell her the things I should have.
Thinking I have all the time in the world.
Time goes by so fast. I don't think I have enough time for all the things I want to say or do. But I'm going to try.
Especially with my journal.
Hopefully this will remind me, to do the things I want and need, while also saying things I forget to say.
December 24, 2020 DAY NINETEEN THURSDAY
I don't decorate for Christmas anymore. I used to be like my mother, exchanging out all decorations and replacing them with Christmas decos. I enjoyed buying holiday items and re-creating scenes in my house. Using decorations from the past - little grandma, gramma, mom.
Then I moved to Texas and the kids went to their dad's house every other Thanksgiving/Christmas holiday.
That changed my life.
A couple more years of decorations, then it ended up just being the tree.
For school breaks, the girls left the day school got out till the day they started after break. After a while, my kids went with their daddies for all Chrismas/thanksgivings' because it was just grampa and I, in Texas.
With them gone, what would be the use of decorating? I only enjoyed it because I was with them.
I felt bad as I still do, for not making my house a holiday Christmasy snow storm inside, but life is so much simpler. No more buying ANY holiday items throughout the year.
We all know, putting the decos away is tough in itself!!! So, I eventually eliminated everything. It's been almost 6 or 7 years. But the last 3 I haven't even put up a tree.
To help myself through this tough thought process.... a way to relieve the sadness when my girls left:
Every day is a holiday with them. They can celebrate with their daddies. I have the real celebration of life. I was lucky and blessed to be with them during all storms and challenges. Daddy's could cherish and enjoy their daughters and have fun with their large fun families.
Every Christmas season, I ponder the decorations, but the money I save and the drama I live without, is worth it!
I don't decorate for Christmas anymore. I used to be like my mother, exchanging out all decorations and replacing them with Christmas decos. I enjoyed buying holiday items and re-creating scenes in my house. Using decorations from the past - little grandma, gramma, mom.
Then I moved to Texas and the kids went to their dad's house every other Thanksgiving/Christmas holiday.
That changed my life.
A couple more years of decorations, then it ended up just being the tree.
For school breaks, the girls left the day school got out till the day they started after break. After a while, my kids went with their daddies for all Chrismas/thanksgivings' because it was just grampa and I, in Texas.
With them gone, what would be the use of decorating? I only enjoyed it because I was with them.
I felt bad as I still do, for not making my house a holiday Christmasy snow storm inside, but life is so much simpler. No more buying ANY holiday items throughout the year.
We all know, putting the decos away is tough in itself!!! So, I eventually eliminated everything. It's been almost 6 or 7 years. But the last 3 I haven't even put up a tree.
To help myself through this tough thought process.... a way to relieve the sadness when my girls left:
Every day is a holiday with them. They can celebrate with their daddies. I have the real celebration of life. I was lucky and blessed to be with them during all storms and challenges. Daddy's could cherish and enjoy their daughters and have fun with their large fun families.
Every Christmas season, I ponder the decorations, but the money I save and the drama I live without, is worth it!
December 23, 2020 DAY EIGHTEEN WEDNESDAY
I found my real mother 10 years ago today.
I was looking frantically for forever. My mother, C, didn't like to talk about it. I actually got a lot of different stories from her. The attorney died in a fire, the basement of Grossmont Hospital got flooded, many interesting stories, which some of them, I found out, were true.
People who are adopted are always looking for something. Like you're missing a part of yourself.
But the adoption records were closed. There was no way to find out unless there was something medically wrong with me. There was absolutely no way to find out any tidbit of information.
I got pregnant with #1, and I worked even harder looking for a way to find out my past. I never had sonagrams and I over thought all the possibilities. I've never had any major medical problems so the years just went on by. Looking a few times before 2000, when my grampa popped into my life.
After 2000, I didn't look once. I was too busy with grampa, 3 girls and a nurse.
10 years later, with grampa being gone for a year, my friend was over and she was talking about her family tree on some genealogy website. She urged me to look again.
Right there, I started signing up and it told me I already had an account, from over a decade ago. I couldn't believe it. But since I had all my information filled out, it was quick.
I retrieved the password, and refreshed my short story.
5 MINUTES LATER.... I GOT A REPLY!!
From someone telling me MY MOTHERS NAME AND ADDRESS!!
Just like that!!!
I was not believing that shyt at all. I emailed her and asked her how she knew and to prove herself. How did I just spend half of my life looking for my beginnings and it falls on my lap?
She said she was a producer of an adoption show and laws had changed. She just did this for people!
And I swear it was LESS THAN 5 MINUTES!!
I found my real mother 10 years ago today.
I was looking frantically for forever. My mother, C, didn't like to talk about it. I actually got a lot of different stories from her. The attorney died in a fire, the basement of Grossmont Hospital got flooded, many interesting stories, which some of them, I found out, were true.
People who are adopted are always looking for something. Like you're missing a part of yourself.
But the adoption records were closed. There was no way to find out unless there was something medically wrong with me. There was absolutely no way to find out any tidbit of information.
I got pregnant with #1, and I worked even harder looking for a way to find out my past. I never had sonagrams and I over thought all the possibilities. I've never had any major medical problems so the years just went on by. Looking a few times before 2000, when my grampa popped into my life.
After 2000, I didn't look once. I was too busy with grampa, 3 girls and a nurse.
10 years later, with grampa being gone for a year, my friend was over and she was talking about her family tree on some genealogy website. She urged me to look again.
Right there, I started signing up and it told me I already had an account, from over a decade ago. I couldn't believe it. But since I had all my information filled out, it was quick.
I retrieved the password, and refreshed my short story.
5 MINUTES LATER.... I GOT A REPLY!!
From someone telling me MY MOTHERS NAME AND ADDRESS!!
Just like that!!!
I was not believing that shyt at all. I emailed her and asked her how she knew and to prove herself. How did I just spend half of my life looking for my beginnings and it falls on my lap?
She said she was a producer of an adoption show and laws had changed. She just did this for people!
And I swear it was LESS THAN 5 MINUTES!!
December 22, 2020 DAY SEVENTEEN TUESDAY
Why is the mail so slow???
I've never had such a big problem.
I think because so many people are ordering things because SO MANY PEOPLE are stuck inside.
Christmas mail has not even been delivered to me, from almost 4 weeks ago and the packages sent over 2 weeks ago haven't arrived at their destination.
What the hell is going on?
I work every year to do things just right so all the peeps get their shyt on time. What's supposed to take 5 days it already 13 days.
Does USPS have covid??? They had a 2 week quarantine???
18 days off.
I'm blessed my employer gives us a great holiday.
I need it. I took a week off when W died, but it's been tough driving home from work, even if it is 2 days a week.
Thank God it's only 2 times a week or I don't know what I'd do.
That time of day is haunting for me. I feel lost. Every day, on my way home we'd talk.
18 days from now, it'll be easier.......
Why is the mail so slow???
I've never had such a big problem.
I think because so many people are ordering things because SO MANY PEOPLE are stuck inside.
Christmas mail has not even been delivered to me, from almost 4 weeks ago and the packages sent over 2 weeks ago haven't arrived at their destination.
What the hell is going on?
I work every year to do things just right so all the peeps get their shyt on time. What's supposed to take 5 days it already 13 days.
Does USPS have covid??? They had a 2 week quarantine???
18 days off.
I'm blessed my employer gives us a great holiday.
I need it. I took a week off when W died, but it's been tough driving home from work, even if it is 2 days a week.
Thank God it's only 2 times a week or I don't know what I'd do.
That time of day is haunting for me. I feel lost. Every day, on my way home we'd talk.
18 days from now, it'll be easier.......
December 21, 2020 DAY SIXTEEN MONDAY
Today is my bff from waterloo's bd
I called her and it seems like yesterday we talked. We get right into our groove.
We met accdentally on purpose.
The house across the street was being rented and I told the owner (a great friend) to get me some best friends. And he did. And those friends came with friends for my littles.
They were perfect for me at that time of life. Single mommy, kid/court drama, ex significant other bs, etc. They took me and my little family into their ENTIRE families' lives.
Usually there is hidden disdain from married couples toward single mommies, but T & C game me no drama or bs. It was pure fun and laughter. I needed that in my life. It was a deep dark pit back then.
T made me forget and get over things.
We would talk for hours, while looking at each other from our living room windows. Laughing all the time.
She was kind enough to make sure I would get home from "no kid weekend nights". Or just watching what the cat drug home.
We didn't have many years together before I moved to Texas, but those years were spent EVERY day talking or laughing.
I miss her every day. To have a dingy wacky soul just like mine, is very rare.
I started unpacking a box. I found my Women's Devotional Daily Calendar. It's over 24 years old. It's helped me through many seasons.
I haven't seen it in a while, maybe 5 or 6 years. I've been busy... chaotic. Moving. Getting settled.
I turn it to today:
"For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding." -- Colossians 1-9
On this day, when we are to see the Star of David. When Jupiter and Saturn come together.
I pray everyday for #MyPresident
Today is my bff from waterloo's bd
I called her and it seems like yesterday we talked. We get right into our groove.
We met accdentally on purpose.
The house across the street was being rented and I told the owner (a great friend) to get me some best friends. And he did. And those friends came with friends for my littles.
They were perfect for me at that time of life. Single mommy, kid/court drama, ex significant other bs, etc. They took me and my little family into their ENTIRE families' lives.
Usually there is hidden disdain from married couples toward single mommies, but T & C game me no drama or bs. It was pure fun and laughter. I needed that in my life. It was a deep dark pit back then.
T made me forget and get over things.
We would talk for hours, while looking at each other from our living room windows. Laughing all the time.
She was kind enough to make sure I would get home from "no kid weekend nights". Or just watching what the cat drug home.
We didn't have many years together before I moved to Texas, but those years were spent EVERY day talking or laughing.
I miss her every day. To have a dingy wacky soul just like mine, is very rare.
I started unpacking a box. I found my Women's Devotional Daily Calendar. It's over 24 years old. It's helped me through many seasons.
I haven't seen it in a while, maybe 5 or 6 years. I've been busy... chaotic. Moving. Getting settled.
I turn it to today:
"For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding." -- Colossians 1-9
On this day, when we are to see the Star of David. When Jupiter and Saturn come together.
I pray everyday for #MyPresident
December 20, 2020 DAY FIFTEEN SUNDAY
Took E and C to brunch today to celebrate their graduations.
Sad we didn't get to celebrate non-covid style. Frustrated they didn't get to have a normal graduation.
But SO proud of them
and proud of myself!
I went through challenging times being a single mommy for so long.
Lots of disdain from "married" wives, husbands, families.
That my girls had "no chance" because they were being raised by a single mommy, etc.
I had enough guilt, as it was. They didn't make it any easier to stand up and show them through my actions, that I was better.
I spent more time with my girls than most mothers. I played with them AND their friends. I couldn't give them material things like their parents did, but all my time was on my children! I wanted them since I was 12..... I was going to enjoy them. My focus was on THEM!! 100% of the time. Teaching them, reading with them and being heavily active in their lives since birth. Plus, I had W. I had a couple part-time jobs and she came to the house as my nanny/mommy. She was their main teacher since the womb. My kids were SMART!!
But, I was going against all the psychological studies, divorcing when they were so small. Having a baby with a boyfriend later and never marrying. Yea, I heard it all from those cliquey bitches and their "perfect" families.
The looks and the snickers behind my back.
Maybe it was just because I dressed better than them ----- Since I had AND have an aversion to "sweats" and wearing them in public. (Me and my bff coincidentally, individually and together, had a laugh about the "happily married" always being the worst dressed)
I was proud of being a good disciplinarian and having my kids listen to me when they were in trouble, doing homework or teaching them right from wrong. There was no one to back me up when I said something to them. I was it.
And they were fun. We danced, we played, did homework, (until I couldn't). They woke up pretty much by themselves with an alarm. Got ready for school by themselves. They were so well behaved, even though, at times, I told them they weren't. So caring and funny. I was very strict at times, maybe obsessive at times, regretting only some of it.
Those kids were so good. I had people coming up to me telling me how impressed they were with them being in a restaurant and so small. But they knew better!!!
The brains on these kids were amazing. I couldn't tear them away from school even with bribes of Disneyland with daddy on Friday --- (disclaimer: not until the tiniest of the family when she was in HS)
To now, this day!
C went to UT and graduated. T earned her cosmotologists' license in high school and E graduated from Baylor.
C ya! to the C U Next Tuesday's!
Daughters #1 and #3 graduated from awesome colleges and two mini me's from #2!
Such a corrupt mommy. Such a loser, I am, to spend all her time instead of money on her children.
Yes.... it makes me feel GOOD.
PROUD.
Took E and C to brunch today to celebrate their graduations.
Sad we didn't get to celebrate non-covid style. Frustrated they didn't get to have a normal graduation.
But SO proud of them
and proud of myself!
I went through challenging times being a single mommy for so long.
Lots of disdain from "married" wives, husbands, families.
That my girls had "no chance" because they were being raised by a single mommy, etc.
I had enough guilt, as it was. They didn't make it any easier to stand up and show them through my actions, that I was better.
I spent more time with my girls than most mothers. I played with them AND their friends. I couldn't give them material things like their parents did, but all my time was on my children! I wanted them since I was 12..... I was going to enjoy them. My focus was on THEM!! 100% of the time. Teaching them, reading with them and being heavily active in their lives since birth. Plus, I had W. I had a couple part-time jobs and she came to the house as my nanny/mommy. She was their main teacher since the womb. My kids were SMART!!
But, I was going against all the psychological studies, divorcing when they were so small. Having a baby with a boyfriend later and never marrying. Yea, I heard it all from those cliquey bitches and their "perfect" families.
The looks and the snickers behind my back.
Maybe it was just because I dressed better than them ----- Since I had AND have an aversion to "sweats" and wearing them in public. (Me and my bff coincidentally, individually and together, had a laugh about the "happily married" always being the worst dressed)
I was proud of being a good disciplinarian and having my kids listen to me when they were in trouble, doing homework or teaching them right from wrong. There was no one to back me up when I said something to them. I was it.
And they were fun. We danced, we played, did homework, (until I couldn't). They woke up pretty much by themselves with an alarm. Got ready for school by themselves. They were so well behaved, even though, at times, I told them they weren't. So caring and funny. I was very strict at times, maybe obsessive at times, regretting only some of it.
Those kids were so good. I had people coming up to me telling me how impressed they were with them being in a restaurant and so small. But they knew better!!!
The brains on these kids were amazing. I couldn't tear them away from school even with bribes of Disneyland with daddy on Friday --- (disclaimer: not until the tiniest of the family when she was in HS)
To now, this day!
C went to UT and graduated. T earned her cosmotologists' license in high school and E graduated from Baylor.
C ya! to the C U Next Tuesday's!
Daughters #1 and #3 graduated from awesome colleges and two mini me's from #2!
Such a corrupt mommy. Such a loser, I am, to spend all her time instead of money on her children.
Yes.... it makes me feel GOOD.
PROUD.
December 19, 2020 DAY FOURTEEN SATURDAY
My baby graduated from Baylor University today. One semester early. I'm proud. I'm tired. I'm grateful. No more filling out FAFSA's. What a nightmare.
My daughter grew up immensely. She doesn't want to be reminded of what she went through, but I told her to be PROUD OF THAT SHYT. You didn't quit, you persevered and learned a lot. Leaving the past in the past is fine, but never bury it. Be grateful for digging yourself from out of the pits -- emotionally and physically. And every pit gets wider and deeper.
Storms make us wise
Storms make us strong
Storms make us courageous
Wisdom, Strength and Courage - my motto in life.
It takes experiences in life to make us all of the above.
Sometimes I have felt like I would never stand up again. Lost and alone. Lonely and sad. Guilty and Shamed. Afraid and hurt. Weak and Stupid. Ignorant and timid. Sorrow and agony. Hardship and hunger. Remorse and misery.
I have felt my heart hurt so bad, it felt like a million punches to my gut.
I've loved so bad and strong, it took years to get over shyt.
It's taken me years to relieve myself of guilt from dreadful things I've done in my life.
The years, it took for me to forgive myself for little shyt that really doesn't matter.
All the things I've done, make me, me.
And most of the horrible things weren't as tragic when reflecting. But at the time of the issues, it felt like the world was ending. My kids and I always used to say "ok chicken little, the sky is not falling" or "the sky is falling, the sky is falling".
We can overcome anything! The consequences might suck, but it made us learn and earn our strength. And it made me keep reflecting and be proud of that shyt!!
We do more to hurt ourselves, in the long run. Over thinking is a deadly disease, one that I regretted in later years.
But different situations are inevitable in life, depending upon all the roads we go down.
I've been alone most of my life, so I felt I couldn't depend on anyone . So, the consequences and the roads I took to get there were tough, but SO worth it!!
I'm proud of my shyt
and I'm proud of my daughters shyt
Because her shyt is my shyt
My baby graduated from Baylor University today. One semester early. I'm proud. I'm tired. I'm grateful. No more filling out FAFSA's. What a nightmare.
My daughter grew up immensely. She doesn't want to be reminded of what she went through, but I told her to be PROUD OF THAT SHYT. You didn't quit, you persevered and learned a lot. Leaving the past in the past is fine, but never bury it. Be grateful for digging yourself from out of the pits -- emotionally and physically. And every pit gets wider and deeper.
Storms make us wise
Storms make us strong
Storms make us courageous
Wisdom, Strength and Courage - my motto in life.
It takes experiences in life to make us all of the above.
Sometimes I have felt like I would never stand up again. Lost and alone. Lonely and sad. Guilty and Shamed. Afraid and hurt. Weak and Stupid. Ignorant and timid. Sorrow and agony. Hardship and hunger. Remorse and misery.
I have felt my heart hurt so bad, it felt like a million punches to my gut.
I've loved so bad and strong, it took years to get over shyt.
It's taken me years to relieve myself of guilt from dreadful things I've done in my life.
The years, it took for me to forgive myself for little shyt that really doesn't matter.
All the things I've done, make me, me.
And most of the horrible things weren't as tragic when reflecting. But at the time of the issues, it felt like the world was ending. My kids and I always used to say "ok chicken little, the sky is not falling" or "the sky is falling, the sky is falling".
We can overcome anything! The consequences might suck, but it made us learn and earn our strength. And it made me keep reflecting and be proud of that shyt!!
We do more to hurt ourselves, in the long run. Over thinking is a deadly disease, one that I regretted in later years.
But different situations are inevitable in life, depending upon all the roads we go down.
I've been alone most of my life, so I felt I couldn't depend on anyone . So, the consequences and the roads I took to get there were tough, but SO worth it!!
I'm proud of my shyt
and I'm proud of my daughters shyt
Because her shyt is my shyt
December 18, 2020 DAY THIRTEEN FRIDAY
That smell......
Jewelry boxes, oatmeal with brown sugar, watching my gramma get ready for church on Sunday.
I have 5 pieces of luggage that were my gramma's. Unpacking and decorating and I opened the small/make-up valise and the smell was a wave of nostalgia. It hurt a little.
Certs/leather/gramma perfume/tissues --- the smell I will never forget.
I closed it as fast as I could, to save it.
I shut my eyes and felt the memories wash over me. Grampa waiting for us downstairs, ready to go to church, waiting on us. All I was doing was trying on my gramma's earrings... every single one, every single time. How can one little girl try on every piece of jewelry?
That's what I cherished with my granddaughter, M. On purpose. When she was a toddler and her endless curiousity, putting on my make-up for work, there she was. And I let her stay with me, because I wanted this memory to be in her memories when she's longing for my touch. Remembering my smell, remembering make-up days. Cherishing those moments that we had.
I have those memories of gramma and I have some of those priceless pieces. Some of them missing stones or broken.
What one smell can do to unexpectedly take me back.
I treasure them when they happen. Thinking back to everything I can recall. I know I'll forget one day.
When that time comes, maybe, just maybe, that smell will take me back.
That smell......
Jewelry boxes, oatmeal with brown sugar, watching my gramma get ready for church on Sunday.
I have 5 pieces of luggage that were my gramma's. Unpacking and decorating and I opened the small/make-up valise and the smell was a wave of nostalgia. It hurt a little.
Certs/leather/gramma perfume/tissues --- the smell I will never forget.
I closed it as fast as I could, to save it.
I shut my eyes and felt the memories wash over me. Grampa waiting for us downstairs, ready to go to church, waiting on us. All I was doing was trying on my gramma's earrings... every single one, every single time. How can one little girl try on every piece of jewelry?
That's what I cherished with my granddaughter, M. On purpose. When she was a toddler and her endless curiousity, putting on my make-up for work, there she was. And I let her stay with me, because I wanted this memory to be in her memories when she's longing for my touch. Remembering my smell, remembering make-up days. Cherishing those moments that we had.
I have those memories of gramma and I have some of those priceless pieces. Some of them missing stones or broken.
What one smell can do to unexpectedly take me back.
I treasure them when they happen. Thinking back to everything I can recall. I know I'll forget one day.
When that time comes, maybe, just maybe, that smell will take me back.
December 17, 2020 DAY TWELVE THURSDAY
I can't talk to her anymore - my heart physically hurts. The feels just come and go. Being thankful for her friends.
A random note to W's friend J.
I feel bad for us that have to go on without our friend.
Thank you for being such a great wonderful friend to my W!!!! She loved you.
All she said was good about you. You were a light in her dark days.
Thank you for caring about her and showing her the kindness she deserved.
We were her family and every minute of her day, was ours, if we chose them to be.
Thank you for keeping her life shining bright whenever she needed it most.
I feel sad for us because we have no one there, at our beck and call, whenever we had to figure shyt out and to get us out of the trouble we got ourselves into.
We will never be able to hear the voice that got right to the point and craved our words of life.
She lived through us. She gave us hope and made us feel lucky to be her friend.
My Wendi........
Thank you!!!!!
I can't talk to her anymore - my heart physically hurts. The feels just come and go. Being thankful for her friends.
A random note to W's friend J.
I feel bad for us that have to go on without our friend.
Thank you for being such a great wonderful friend to my W!!!! She loved you.
All she said was good about you. You were a light in her dark days.
Thank you for caring about her and showing her the kindness she deserved.
We were her family and every minute of her day, was ours, if we chose them to be.
Thank you for keeping her life shining bright whenever she needed it most.
I feel sad for us because we have no one there, at our beck and call, whenever we had to figure shyt out and to get us out of the trouble we got ourselves into.
We will never be able to hear the voice that got right to the point and craved our words of life.
She lived through us. She gave us hope and made us feel lucky to be her friend.
My Wendi........
Thank you!!!!!
December 16, 2020 DAY ELEVEN WEDNESDAY
It's so damn cold.
Why am I so cold all the time?
Why is it 68 in the house and 52 outside and I'm cold???
Why is it that 68 feels awesome in the summertime and unbearable in the winter?
Or
Why is it so hot at 75 in the house during the winter, and ok during the summer?
Kids screaming how cold they were in the winter at 70 in the house,
duhhhhhh, winter is cold and we shall enjoy it in the house too.
During the summer always telling me it's hot in the house AND IT WAS KEPT ON 70 or 72.
What makes that sound so screwed up???
Anyone else think this ?
Or is it just me?
It's so damn cold.
Why am I so cold all the time?
Why is it 68 in the house and 52 outside and I'm cold???
Why is it that 68 feels awesome in the summertime and unbearable in the winter?
Or
Why is it so hot at 75 in the house during the winter, and ok during the summer?
Kids screaming how cold they were in the winter at 70 in the house,
duhhhhhh, winter is cold and we shall enjoy it in the house too.
During the summer always telling me it's hot in the house AND IT WAS KEPT ON 70 or 72.
What makes that sound so screwed up???
Anyone else think this ?
Or is it just me?
December 15, 2020 DAY TEN TUESDAY
It started at the back of the department store, more than 10 ft away from each other.
One of us couldn't keep our mouth shut.
One of us was jealous of the other.
She told me to put my mask on.
I said, "no, Karen".
"Well, I'm going to find a manager".
I continued shopping. Ending up 10 minutes later in line. Here comes insane Karen, all by herself, up in my face with her phone, whining and crying.... "the government is making me wear a mask, you need to be wearing one too".
Yes, those were her words, as she was screaming them.
She made a scene and embarrassed herself, while I let her. People were laughing and embarrassed for her.
Shouting and berating people, because you don't like your situation in life, is not going to do any good.
This poor Karen was shopping, her basket was full. She went to the manager, the manager wouldn't help, then proceeded to come search me out and show her ugliness. She interrupted her entire day for me.
Her time was wasted. She could have ignored me, she could have left, she could have been done shopping paid and left already.
Bullies like that get something out of scolding people in public.
Karen's a bully, feeling an adrenaline rush, while making a scene. Needy Karen.
People, you need to let that shyt go. There are some things that are out of your control. There are always going to be people who do things different than you.
Karen... who made you think you can cause a scene, just to try to make someone do something.
Karen... you don't know who I am, you don't know my life. You judge like a little kid at school who has to tattle on someone. Your words are so insignificant that the teacher wouldn't do what you wanted, so you go back and continue yelling for the submission you require.
Karen... you proudly made yourself look like a douche bitch. You had no idea if I already talked to someone and "got permission", you could have asked me like a normal caring human.
We make it ok for people to attack other people verbally AND physically. And this wasn't about a sickness, it was because she didn't have the toy to play with and was going to cause a scene until she got her way. We all know people like this.
The manager said NO and that really made Karen mad.
All Karen had to do was be brave herself and walk away. She didn't have the guts to go without her mask and wanted me to suffer with her. I'm not that person. A mandate is not a law. A mandate doesn't make anyone the police.
Now, to the people, in line, who were in agreement with. This reason alone, is why we have major apprehension about standing up for ourselves. The embarrassment of one Karen is NOTHING.
I'll stand up for myself AND others. I will win. I'm used to haters and takers. I can be calm and mature and make you feel ignorant as you listen to your own words because I'm letting you talk.
If someone is doing something you don't like, just move along.
No one appointed you the police of the people and when you feel offended, just remember, there are bigger problems in life.
It is very important to change your life if you're always in everyone else's lives or constantly thinking and/or worried about someone other than yourself. Be a better person for yourself and your family.
How sad to make your family and friends suffer through your horrible self-esteem issues.
Usually when you're acting like an asshole to people, especially to people you DON'T know, you have serious problems and the one looking in the mirror, better change fast before you find yourself alone.
Remember, this entire scene was about someone being angry and jealous beyond her control.
When I was driving away, Karen was waiting outside the store for me. Her entire day was spent around me!
I feel special.
It started at the back of the department store, more than 10 ft away from each other.
One of us couldn't keep our mouth shut.
One of us was jealous of the other.
She told me to put my mask on.
I said, "no, Karen".
"Well, I'm going to find a manager".
I continued shopping. Ending up 10 minutes later in line. Here comes insane Karen, all by herself, up in my face with her phone, whining and crying.... "the government is making me wear a mask, you need to be wearing one too".
Yes, those were her words, as she was screaming them.
She made a scene and embarrassed herself, while I let her. People were laughing and embarrassed for her.
Shouting and berating people, because you don't like your situation in life, is not going to do any good.
This poor Karen was shopping, her basket was full. She went to the manager, the manager wouldn't help, then proceeded to come search me out and show her ugliness. She interrupted her entire day for me.
Her time was wasted. She could have ignored me, she could have left, she could have been done shopping paid and left already.
Bullies like that get something out of scolding people in public.
Karen's a bully, feeling an adrenaline rush, while making a scene. Needy Karen.
People, you need to let that shyt go. There are some things that are out of your control. There are always going to be people who do things different than you.
Karen... who made you think you can cause a scene, just to try to make someone do something.
Karen... you don't know who I am, you don't know my life. You judge like a little kid at school who has to tattle on someone. Your words are so insignificant that the teacher wouldn't do what you wanted, so you go back and continue yelling for the submission you require.
Karen... you proudly made yourself look like a douche bitch. You had no idea if I already talked to someone and "got permission", you could have asked me like a normal caring human.
We make it ok for people to attack other people verbally AND physically. And this wasn't about a sickness, it was because she didn't have the toy to play with and was going to cause a scene until she got her way. We all know people like this.
The manager said NO and that really made Karen mad.
All Karen had to do was be brave herself and walk away. She didn't have the guts to go without her mask and wanted me to suffer with her. I'm not that person. A mandate is not a law. A mandate doesn't make anyone the police.
Now, to the people, in line, who were in agreement with. This reason alone, is why we have major apprehension about standing up for ourselves. The embarrassment of one Karen is NOTHING.
I'll stand up for myself AND others. I will win. I'm used to haters and takers. I can be calm and mature and make you feel ignorant as you listen to your own words because I'm letting you talk.
If someone is doing something you don't like, just move along.
No one appointed you the police of the people and when you feel offended, just remember, there are bigger problems in life.
It is very important to change your life if you're always in everyone else's lives or constantly thinking and/or worried about someone other than yourself. Be a better person for yourself and your family.
How sad to make your family and friends suffer through your horrible self-esteem issues.
Usually when you're acting like an asshole to people, especially to people you DON'T know, you have serious problems and the one looking in the mirror, better change fast before you find yourself alone.
Remember, this entire scene was about someone being angry and jealous beyond her control.
When I was driving away, Karen was waiting outside the store for me. Her entire day was spent around me!
I feel special.
|
December 14, 2020 DAY NINE MONDAY
I buy myself flowers. Over 30 years ago a psychologist told me to buy myself flowers. Don't wait for anyone else to, because you'll be waiting a long time. If flowers bring you joy, buy flowers. This is my expectation for myself, not anyone else. A symbol ..... I'm always taking care of my happiness. I don't expect anyone to take care of my feelings. I don't expect anyone to make me happy, sad, mad, angry. I am in charge. I own them all. No one can make me or anyone else feel a certain way. It's up to us. "you make me so mental" - no, in fact, you are in control of feeling certain ways. Your reaction to someone or something is YOUR problem. "you make me so happy" - no, you choose it! YOU make yourself happy! I have made sure, in my life, that I am happy all the time. I choose it on purpose, every day. No one is SO powerful in my life to MAKE me feel something or to stop the way I want to feel. I get mad at something, that is my choice, however, being mad doesn't get me anywhere. I can talk myself out of negative feelings quickly. I can't remember the last time I was angry. Today is my step-mothers birthday. She takes good care of my dad. I'm thankful for her. I wish I was taking care of him. It's terrible being far away. It's also my boobie birthday! 14 years! I am getting them taken out next summer. |
|
December 13, 2020 DAY EIGHT SUNDAY
Watching the 2nd episode of Shameless and the main guy gets into a fight. I don't understand why these people don't wash the blood off their faces and hands after a gory encounter? If I get blood on myself, it's off in a second. And it's not arterial bleeding.
Who goes around for a couple hours without washing? Blood stinks and it's thick.
It's becoming a major pet peeve of mine. I don't have many.
Next time watching movies, watch the blood!!!
#MyHusband has a hell of time watching shows with me anyways, but when there's blood, my never ending "why isn't that washed off yet", "ewwwww, that's gross", "who does that" makes him insane.
We all know it's fake blood, but what are they trying to tell us with leaving that shyt on them?????
Things that make you go hmmmmmm
December 12, 2020 DAY SEVEN SATURDAY
Isn't it sad families aren't close anymore. I mean we are all across the globe!
I hate being so far away from my San Diego family. I've always hated it. My dad doesn't even know my girls anymore. Doesn't even remember them hardly at all... doesn't remember how Choni rubbed his beard everytime she saw him, like he was her favorite puppy, or PaPa driving her, like a motorcycle with his fingers and while her fingers curled around his finger handle bar. And the way my mom smiled and laughed whenever my kids were around --- (more than she ever smiled when I was younger... and I LOVED that more than anything in the world - just to see her smile)
I wish they had been with grampas/grammas in their teenage years, so my girls could remember THEM.
I know I'm not the only family that moves away from family, but I feel bad for my kids that they didn't get to have more family in their life. I let them go to daddy's for holidays. But my family didn't get to enjoy them.
I had to move. Cali was already getting bad and I couldn't take care of my grampa and 3 kids in high tax mecca.
The hurt and guilt I feel for moving is horrible.
I gave them a better life in Texas, schooling wise, but we moved from everyone. We didn't know ANYONE here.
Thinking of moving away from LIFE to NOTHING seems so stupid. All the quality time they missed with grampas, grammas, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends. My heart hurts so much at times.
I wonder how I did it all by myself.
Was I crazy?
And yes, I'm crying like a baby, right now and #MyHusband comes in and kisses me... for a minute I try to hide my crying..... but not anymore!! I'm weak --- I'm a baby and I'm proud of it!
December 11, 2020 DAY SIX FRIDAY
Buying Christmas presents makes me think of buying things for people who have everything.
What do you get the person who "has everything"? Or who needs nothing?
When I was a kid, I wanted toys.
Buying clothes for kids will always be a smart idea, but isn't that the parents' responsibility?? !
I love clothes, that's the only reason I like buying clothes for kids AND they're growing, so there's no running out of things to buy.
There are so many wild, crazy, different things now to buy kids -- Knowing WHAT they like is the difficult thing.
I don't believe in gift cards/money. They are so impersonal. A gift should remind you of that person. I also think cash is wasted on people because most recipients are irresponsible. It's tough giving out your hard earned cash to just anyone. I've only started giving cash recently.
It's a shame there are so many cheap, Made in China things. Things we should never waste our money on. Giving one large gift is better than 5 "bargains" not worth their money. More is not always best.
When I was a kid, it was skateboards, Barbies and clothes.
When I was a teenager, jewelry, clothes and make-up.
I'm almost to the part of life that I'll start getting mom and gramma trinkets.
Every season of life there are new things we want and need.
Until there comes a time when we finally have everything we need and we CAN have everything we want, but choose not to.
There is absolutely nothing I want or need. The surprise is the gift.
Surprising people takes thought, a lot of consideration and time. Or is that just me spending an hour looking for the perfect thing for that special human?
December 10, 2020 DAY FIVE THURSDAY
I love driving.
I got my car late in life, by most standards, at 17. I didn't choose the car, my parents did. And it was ugly, yellow and BTFU. I hated driving that thing!! It was ridiculous and wouldn't attract any males. I needed the help, believe me!! I drove that thing only when I had to.
When some drunk old man hit my car..... I was relieved, but scared cause my mom and dad were pissed. My grampa and gramma loaned me money for another car and I loved it. The start of my love of driving. It was a dark grey newer mustang, standard. It was SO fun.
A couple years after high school, I was a nanny in Beverly Hills and I used to come home every weekend.
(back and forth, through one of the few IN~N~OUT's, Avery Parkway, 1986)
My love for music met my love for driving. It was a match that has been soothing to my soul many a time. There is nothing like a long ass drive and the right song at the perfect volume. It was cathartic for me. I would think of things, over think things, think of stories, sayings and work out my issues and problems. AND THEN ENTER MY LOVE FOR WRITING THAT I'VE HAD SINCE I WAS A TINY LASS.
That is me in a nutshell .. music + writing + driving = MY life. When I'm doing all 3, I'm awesome! Only one at a time, great, but missing something. Many of my friends do the same. I notice who they are.
You can't really do this when you have kids. #1 they don't let us think while driving and #2 their ear drums would burst. LOL #3 they don't give us enough time to write a shopping list, let alone everyday in a journal.
Short distances don't count. HAS to be a "long ass drive".
There are many seasons in life that we cannot achieve the all encompassing music + writing + driving,
no matter how often we try.
But at 19 after a year of being a nanny and 1.5 hour drives, 4-10 times a month for a year, in the car.... I was my own psychologist.
I could always listen and help others with their problems and tell them how to fix things and people --- yes, people!! I was better at that than dealing with my own life and the little storms it had. But my favorite trio helped me learn how to psychoanalyze myself!!
I made my own problems and learned after consequences from the stupid shyt I always did.
I matured real fast with an abundance of music + writing + driving.
Move to today.
Driving to some is a traumatic event.
Traumatic because of traffic. Not the actual traffic, but the way some people deal with it mentally.
I don't understand why people freak the F out!! Yea, sometimes, I myself, rage against all the machines pissing me off and the humans driving them, but I'm talking about the monsters that growl EVERY DAMN TIME they drive.
Traffic is a fact of life. It's a fact, (although many people don't understand between fact and opinion, but that's another story)
Leaves fall from trees - FACT! LA has traffic - FACT! Austin has traffic - FACT!
Certain times of day it's worse than others - FACT!
So why put yourself through the stress and anger of dealing with a fact like that? Something you can't control? You can't control dumb people or assholes or teenage drivers or old drivers or texting drivers. They will always be stupid and there will always be a lot of them. There is no changing it. Freaking out is not going to change them. Other drivers are actually just living THEIR life and trying to be safe and have families and responsibilities too.
There are certain drivers who shouldn't be driving PERIOD!
BUT THIS IS NOT ABOUT THEM!!!
It's about the FACT that if you go crazy over a thing that's a fact, you are only acting like an idiot. And some of your actions are inappropriate --- yes, inappropriate. Stop being so selfish about your time. Being kind and calm and discovering new ways to spend your time while driving instead of pissed off. Being patient is so much better for your negative psyche. Pushing yourself ahead of people by 30 seconds is not worth a heart attack or an accident hurting people.
And yes, there are, sometimes, certain people who honestly didn't mean to piss you off or forget a blinker once in a while. How do you know all people AREN'T actually accidentally doing something dumb?
Yea... I could never understand people coming unglued while driving because I get so much from it, even in traffic. It's a great place to figure out stuff in my life....
I try to be calm and learn how to re-direct my thinking if someone's stupidity makes me angry!!!
Except when it comes to crazy fast truck drivers - but I'll save that for another day...
December 09, 2020 DAY FOUR WEDNESDAY
OK..... who am I kidding.....
I re-read my last post and I'm lying to you.... ALREADY!
I really need some help. I am really messed up about W. It hurts worse than my mom. And I loved my mom beyond life!!
For the last month I've been not myself, with work, my house, my everything ... except my HUGE love for #MyHusband... but that's another story.
I was watching a movie where the main guy started a journal late in his life and he was talking about words. I love words. I love talking words (as #MyHusband says every day).
I have been looking for something to do for such a long time. NOT physically something to do, I mean something for my mind, a hobby, some soul/mind cleansing. I'm so busy re-doing my new house, that I need to calm down and give my mind some nourishment. I feel writing is what I need to help me with W, kind of like, writing a letter to her and to the people I love and hate.
I decided to make it public immediately. I want others to be reminded or taught that writing is best. Through EVERYTHING!
If I kept it public I would be true to myself and I have a website so, why not??? Only 26 people are ever going to see this, so it's not like it's a big deal.
My friend K said to me not long ago that I need to write a book about all the things I know and leave it for my girls and others. We'll see how this goes. Maybe I'll just wrap all that into this journal and keep it going for a decade and my knowledge will finally catch up to me writing only the things I learn everyday.
I don't cry much. We can say not at all. W dying sure did flip that switch. I can't help myself and I hate it. It goes against everything I know. I always had to be strong. I had 3 girls and a grampa and a nurse. I didn't have time to cry. I had to show my girls how to handle things. Brush yourself off and get back in the game. Maybe that was wrong. Maybe I didn't show them enough of my tears to let them know I was real and not a robot. How do we know when we teach our children things, that we don't go overboard and turn them into freaks??
I'm so bad at NOT crying, before W died, I've only cried in front of #MyHusband 2 or 3 times. Ughhhhh, I barely even cry in front of myself! Only in the shower if I can't stop myself. Even a tear slipping out makes me mad at myself. To me, it showed, how weak I was. And I didn't have time for weakness. I don't think other people are weak when they cry, it's only me. I don't like people thinking I'm a baby. That I can't take care of myself.
So far, we are learning, Day Four, I miss W AND I hate crying.
I've been better about the crying in front of #MyHusband --- 3 time total in 5 weeks. If I feel the urge to cry, I will let myself.
all names will be an initial
December 08, 2020 DAY THREE TUESDAY
Thinking about writing for 363 days kinda scares me. What do I talk about, what do I REALLY tell? I haven't written in so long I forgot how to do it. I've done it now and again throughout my seasons of life, but the first time was the greatest. Writing gives us the most wonderful mind therapy.
At 18, I was told by my psychologist to write every day and soon all your stress will fall away. Writing gets out, our words, that are stuck in our heads. It can be so cathartic. I'm waiting, right now, for all the words to flow.
I was bulimic back then, with many worries and stresses. Now, I have so little worries and stresses, I'm scared I won't have enough to say. I never thought I would have a less stressful life. The sky was falling almost all the time. Eating self-help books like they were brownies. Self-esteem, co-dependence, getting judged by others and freshly out of the mom and dad years. I was 4-eyed and over weight, with no future in mind, because I wasn't prepared like a normal child. But what is a normal child? I was "unhappy" in an "unhappy because I'm immature" kind of way. Not in any 3rd world type of way. I think most of us are. But I knew I could be better and I had to figure out a way to help myself and keep myself on a path of self awareness and happiness.
I didn't have medical insurance, kind of like right now. If I wanted to get healthy, I was going to do it myself. I got a few tips from counselors and psychologists and even took some college classes in the early years to help me. Writing is the best advice I got. It's private and you can write about anything. Your true feelings. Your traumas. YOU!
That's how I want this to be!
But I've been having a dilemma in my subconscious --- how truthful, how personal????
Well, it's not gonna help, if I fake it. And I don't necessarily want to help myself, but I want to help others and I want to help my girls. This is my legacy. I will be as honest as I can be. I have to put the armor of judgmentalness around me to protect myself from the haters and wrap myself in the love from the lovers.
My life
My facts
Thinking about writing for 363 days kinda scares me. What do I talk about, what do I REALLY tell? I haven't written in so long I forgot how to do it. I've done it now and again throughout my seasons of life, but the first time was the greatest. Writing gives us the most wonderful mind therapy.
At 18, I was told by my psychologist to write every day and soon all your stress will fall away. Writing gets out, our words, that are stuck in our heads. It can be so cathartic. I'm waiting, right now, for all the words to flow.
I was bulimic back then, with many worries and stresses. Now, I have so little worries and stresses, I'm scared I won't have enough to say. I never thought I would have a less stressful life. The sky was falling almost all the time. Eating self-help books like they were brownies. Self-esteem, co-dependence, getting judged by others and freshly out of the mom and dad years. I was 4-eyed and over weight, with no future in mind, because I wasn't prepared like a normal child. But what is a normal child? I was "unhappy" in an "unhappy because I'm immature" kind of way. Not in any 3rd world type of way. I think most of us are. But I knew I could be better and I had to figure out a way to help myself and keep myself on a path of self awareness and happiness.
I didn't have medical insurance, kind of like right now. If I wanted to get healthy, I was going to do it myself. I got a few tips from counselors and psychologists and even took some college classes in the early years to help me. Writing is the best advice I got. It's private and you can write about anything. Your true feelings. Your traumas. YOU!
That's how I want this to be!
But I've been having a dilemma in my subconscious --- how truthful, how personal????
Well, it's not gonna help, if I fake it. And I don't necessarily want to help myself, but I want to help others and I want to help my girls. This is my legacy. I will be as honest as I can be. I have to put the armor of judgmentalness around me to protect myself from the haters and wrap myself in the love from the lovers.
My life
My facts
December 07, 2020 DAY TWO MONDAY
I know it's Pearl Harbor day, but it will always be my mom and dad's anniversary. Just because they aren't married anymore doesn't mean it didn't happen. Forgetting things from your past is lethal. I think all things should be a lesson. Good or Bad.
Remembering this day brings back many anniversary memories. All good. Feel good. Brings back home. And makes me realize how old I am. And how time goes by so fast.
I miss the family fun we had. I'm glad for the storms and bad times and arguments and rules and vacations and holidays. They made me who I am.
And of course, my most important thought on this day, is the military and the lives lost and changed drastically forever.
I've always had certain feelings towards the military because I was a contractor for NAVSEACENPAC in San Diego, Building 94. The troops were a little disgusting whenever I walked on the base.
But after 2003, my respect grew 100%. I dated someone in the military and saw from another side how wonderful and amazing they CAN be. The work they go through, the sacrifice! There are jerks in EVERY walk of life.
Most of life is about changing during and after experiences. I'd be pretty scared if I didn't change (If you don't change, you need to go get help!)
Thank God I was and am mature enough to change opinions in my life, after hearing personal experiences, facts and research. Remembering the old opinions are important too.
There are some people in life that are never happy. They will create chaos out of nothing because they need the attention, adrenaline, or just because it becomes a habit. They go through life disrupting the energy of good people. If you notice a "chaos junky", MOVE ALONG!!! Do not get involved. Slither quickly away. They can suck you dry.
Their own life is corrupt and heinous in thought and deed. Your energy helps them live for 30 more days.
Shyt rolls down hill ---- make sure you're ALWAYS up hill!
You'll never be able to make these "chaos junkies" happy. No amount of kissing ass will help.
Is it worth trying to kiss some ass to get a smile from a "chaos junky"?
You're damn straight ------ It's entertainment! It's so psychologically fulfilling to put a saccharin smile on and get to work. Only a emotionally mature person can learn how to have fun with ignorance.
til tomorrow!!!
I know it's Pearl Harbor day, but it will always be my mom and dad's anniversary. Just because they aren't married anymore doesn't mean it didn't happen. Forgetting things from your past is lethal. I think all things should be a lesson. Good or Bad.
Remembering this day brings back many anniversary memories. All good. Feel good. Brings back home. And makes me realize how old I am. And how time goes by so fast.
I miss the family fun we had. I'm glad for the storms and bad times and arguments and rules and vacations and holidays. They made me who I am.
And of course, my most important thought on this day, is the military and the lives lost and changed drastically forever.
I've always had certain feelings towards the military because I was a contractor for NAVSEACENPAC in San Diego, Building 94. The troops were a little disgusting whenever I walked on the base.
But after 2003, my respect grew 100%. I dated someone in the military and saw from another side how wonderful and amazing they CAN be. The work they go through, the sacrifice! There are jerks in EVERY walk of life.
Most of life is about changing during and after experiences. I'd be pretty scared if I didn't change (If you don't change, you need to go get help!)
Thank God I was and am mature enough to change opinions in my life, after hearing personal experiences, facts and research. Remembering the old opinions are important too.
There are some people in life that are never happy. They will create chaos out of nothing because they need the attention, adrenaline, or just because it becomes a habit. They go through life disrupting the energy of good people. If you notice a "chaos junky", MOVE ALONG!!! Do not get involved. Slither quickly away. They can suck you dry.
Their own life is corrupt and heinous in thought and deed. Your energy helps them live for 30 more days.
Shyt rolls down hill ---- make sure you're ALWAYS up hill!
You'll never be able to make these "chaos junkies" happy. No amount of kissing ass will help.
Is it worth trying to kiss some ass to get a smile from a "chaos junky"?
You're damn straight ------ It's entertainment! It's so psychologically fulfilling to put a saccharin smile on and get to work. Only a emotionally mature person can learn how to have fun with ignorance.
til tomorrow!!!
December 06, 2020
DAY ONE SUNDAY
HAPPY BIRTHDAY IN HEAVEN, WENDI
I'm so glad I cherished you.
I'm so glad I honored you.
I'm so glad my seasons were spent with you.
Sisters we were not, but were.
Memories and thoughts were ours since toddlers.
Many many seasons!
There's so much to share about you, but at a loss.
No more share time between life long souls.
You hold the best of me, the worst of me.
You kept our secrets and retold them over and over and I was amazed at your memory.
Just imagine a relationship with no jealousies, no disappointments, no judging, no fighting, no disagreements – that was us!!
Our last, fight/disagreement was when we were 11 and we fought over a fake gold ring.
The most mature, silly alliance ever.
The greatest kid adventures EVER!
My heart holds your heart.
You took care of me and I you.
My girls were your girls – your happiness!
To have someone there for me at ALL times is a blessing.
You were my angel
And now you are my angel
Ours.... was real!
DAY ONE SUNDAY
HAPPY BIRTHDAY IN HEAVEN, WENDI
I'm so glad I cherished you.
I'm so glad I honored you.
I'm so glad my seasons were spent with you.
Sisters we were not, but were.
Memories and thoughts were ours since toddlers.
Many many seasons!
There's so much to share about you, but at a loss.
No more share time between life long souls.
You hold the best of me, the worst of me.
You kept our secrets and retold them over and over and I was amazed at your memory.
Just imagine a relationship with no jealousies, no disappointments, no judging, no fighting, no disagreements – that was us!!
Our last, fight/disagreement was when we were 11 and we fought over a fake gold ring.
The most mature, silly alliance ever.
The greatest kid adventures EVER!
My heart holds your heart.
You took care of me and I you.
My girls were your girls – your happiness!
To have someone there for me at ALL times is a blessing.
You were my angel
And now you are my angel
Ours.... was real!
